The Leaves of Autumn

Anger

2008-12-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

I am very, very, very angry.

Clearing my room just hours before i went for a marvellish rehearsal on Elgar, but more of than another time, i stumbled upon a GP generic notice to all women to be tested for HPV...and which is personalized...asking me to kindly make an appointment.

A few months ago, I remember discussing "should all young British women be vaccinated against HPV" in one of my sociology of science classes that i was auditing. I read about a mother's response...she was infuriated at the idea that her twelve year old may have a vaccination even when she may not even be sexually active...on the premise that she will PROBABLY be sexually active very soon.

I'm to say the least, enraged.

Sexual education is ALWAYS ideological. Don't give me the bullshit that only the conservative "abstinence" message is ideological as if the oh teach them protection methods isn't.

Don't be so dishonest.

I find it grievous that the inability to govern one's sexual urges is seen as normal, and to govern it is to be unnatural and to go against nature.

So? How about obesity? Anorexia? suddenly that becomes "oh fat women are attractive" becomes a cultural issue, whilst sexual issues are all heeding nature's bidding, which is well and good, and unrepressive.

So explain to me. You don't feel like going to school, you don't feel like going to work, you don't flipping feel like brushing your teeth but well, you just have to go against your natural urges. but that's ok.

And to think that we should rather intervene by vaccinating young women instead of teaching them to control themselves seems, frankly, presposterous to me.

Look, sexual education doesn't have abstinence, and pretend as if all forms of protection don't exist, or just teach about methods as if they are super effective, and ignore abstinence.

there is a middle way. The reality is that all forms of protection can never be 100%; and if sexual education is really to be truly effective, it has to be honest with the kids as well...condoms exist, yes, but they do fail. And HPV whilst controllable, is never completely curable.

and HPV and Chlamydia can cause infertility. And oh by the way, your kiddies can be infected or born prematurely.

For goodness' sake: if you have a child, dont you want the best possible future for your kid? physically, free of STDS, emotionally brought up by stable parents who can commit to proper care rather than born out of a tryst because they were too juvenile to control their urges. Wont you want to be sure you and your partner are both equally capable of caring for your child?

I think the difference between a child and and adult is this: the child knows nothing apart from instant gratification, the adult should know how to think of longer term consequences.

Then again, there are people who want to have kids because they want to have kids to fulfil themselves without thinking through the consequences for their children. Fine.

But it sickens me that when we don't equip our children with knowledge, we expose them ...imagine a twelve year old worrying about warts caused by STDS, fearful of pregnancy or having to go through an abortion.

don't get me wrong...i don't take the hardline abortion is absolutely evil. but I think, when we don't teach our children what it means to say, wait, decide on yr sexual activity LATER. WAIT...we do them a disservice.

Why am i on this topic? well, because you know, i see posters on tubes about the rates of various STDs, she says flippantly...

Mentorship

2008-11-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

Women (and men) need good mentors.

That's my firm belief.

I realized that i have been lucky in that i have encountered very good female mentors along the way, some have passed me by briefly, others have been and continue to play an important role in my life.

The women I know are very self-sufficient, goal and career oriented, without sacrificing their family life.

And so that helps me, even without us talking about this explicitly, helps me situate my life. I sort of "pick up" what i think is important for a child to have, what is the best way of handling relationships, and how to think for the long term.

Are these vital, unspoken skills that are necessary?

I think so. I guess because I move in a few circles here so far...and some people i do know here, perhaps not well, but their lives are hugely messy..and it sort of shocks me. like why don't they think for the long term? that sort of thing.

I'm grateful i have had to keep me on the sensible route...not explicitly, but throgh their lives...they give me role models to aspire too.

Someone i met in the course of my research once told me... I think you make an awesome role model for younger women. my housemate said the same thing to me too.

I don't think so. I have met more amazing women but i do realise..yes that is what i can aspire to. Being an awesome woman who handles life, my life well, such that other young women won't mess around with their own lives...

Uncommon friendships

2008-11-22T02:31:00.000-08:00

i have read a fantastic article of late... celebrating friendship.

It definitely strikes a chord in me, because i've been asked several times before if i'm a lesbian or whatever.

for the record, no. i'm not even bisexual, and no it certainly isn't because i'm afraid of social stigmas or whatever to come out of the closet.

BUT, i do think there's something very boxing in about wanting all relationships to be clustered with the underlying expectations of sexual desire.

But why? must all relationships be read through the prisms of sexual desire? can i not, just simply care and love my friends, whatever sexual orientation or gender they are, even if i don't share their sexual orientation. Tis strange.

i can imagine myself in a set up like these two friends...living with a friend, and yet, not engaged in a relationship with the close friend i live with.

but maybe tha'ts just me!

variations on a theme

2008-11-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

I know i'm slightly repetitive, but i'm on the theme of men-women again.

I guess what sparked it is that Obama won! :), yippee! and if you ask me, i think Michelle played an enormous role.

Michelle is an equal in every sense of the word to her husband, and i'm now really believing in female power.

it's odd. i would never had identified myself as a card-carrying feminist just a while ago, but now, i think i'm definitely a feminist.

don't get me wrong: i certainly don't hate men. I have lots of male friends whom i respect greatly and whom i'm fond of. But the truth of the matter is that the older i grow, the more greatly i respect women: especially the ones i meet who juggle motherhood, wifehood, a job and other passions. so difficult, so tough, and yet they pull it off well.

i'm going to be such a cool woman too!

on a more extended meditation, i have to say that it seems to me, alot of men are real idiots. (caveat: i am VERY fond of my platonic male friends!) but i guess, the year's stay in London has honestly put me off somewhat. I've been so constantly picked up, even in the damn supermarkets i'm getting fed up...look it's so cold i'm swaddled in clothes! i have no idea... is it desperation? are men really that socially inept that they don't know how to fulfil their emotional needs elsewhere? if it just sex... hey, there are other ways...

but it's true. i'm beginning to see that men are honestly simpler than women. they are biologicaly driven, i have no idea whether to pity or feel annoyed.

It's like, huh? how come men are so single minded? women can look at men and decide whether they are either friends, or potential partners, men on the other hand, i have come to realize, once they go down the track of being attracted, they either want to push ahead, or then make things so awkward and ugly that friendship is no longer possible. it's weird because if i examine my feelings, i can easily see a few men that i could, in other circumstances, be attracted to, but because they are already attached or whatever, no, and i respect them enough to want to keep this a healthy, clean, platonic friendship. but i would be disgusted with myself or with them if either of us tried to push it to something more, because it devalues the friendship.

i think i'll settle for pity, remaining cautious but not wall myself in.

men are so strange!

Music making

2008-11-04T15:58:00.000-08:00

I just came back from two rehearsals and it was great fun, especially the one of Elgar's the music Makers. Gosh i so love music :) and London has been absolutely brilliant in giving me more opportunities for music! :)

I came back wishing i didn't have to go home or leave london, i almost want to stay in london just for the music-opportunities... what a silly little goose i can be!

women i admire

2008-11-03T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's often said that women hold up half the sky, but this week alone has showed me the kind of woman i want to grow old into. I have had an awesome week in Boston, NYC, and in St. Albans. Plenty of travelling and lots of things to think about.

I had so much fun visiting Boston and NY for the first time. it also exploded my own prejudices and biases against America, in a way i would never have expected. I loved Boston and New york so much!

i met my old professor, the person who inspired me to think of academia as a real possibility for myself. She's an amazing woman. she has two toddlers, juggling a new job now, and I know from experience she's an awesome teacher, and a great person to boot. Very kind, but not a wishy washy personality.

then the weekend when i went to St Albans and stayed over at a choir member's house, someone whom i have never talked to earlier, and i found that i really liked what i saw of her.

Digging around the history of the choir i realized there were a couple of women who kept the choir going for...16 years!

to say i admire them for their grit, determination, commitment is saying the least. when you contextualize it against the background of them being mothers, holding down professional careers, and keeping this going even though they don't live nearby, it says something about the kind of friendships they have built up, and the kind of persons they are.

I know what kind of professor i want to grow up into: kind, personable, a good scholar, and yet someone who juggles all these things well. :)

Singing!

2008-10-15T03:58:00.000-07:00

Ok i have decided i definitely want graduate school if possible... for the simple reason that there's tons of choir and music dos i can join!

i am going to be in three things for the next few months. next week, i'm doing beethoven's symphony 9th, i'm doing some other lithurgical music, and i'm also signed up for charpentier...

it's even more fun than attending classical music concerts! whee! graduate school, i'm aiming for you!

what have i been up to?

2008-10-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

This is one of my hobbies... yes yes i should get started on my other chores but i need a break! isn't this absolutely pwetty?

calmness

2008-10-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

i've lost about half of savings just over a few months, let's say it's such a huge amount because it take me up to a year to save, and which was intended to pay back a loan. but i'm surprisingly calm, because i understand this is simply life...i've lost alot but i haven't lost everything...one hopes, since my transaction will only return my guess in 2 weeks time.

but the main thing is: i'm still healthy. i'm in one piece, and in anycase, that's life. life IS like that. there are ups and downs, and at present, i have enough food in my mouth clothes for my back!

Which brings me back to whatever i've been concerned about. my main goal, as i have said to someone very dear to me for years, is that i have friends i grow old with. i want meaningful relationships... people whose funerals i'll go to and who will go to mine, friends who will have kids and whose children i hope to watch grow up, enough to pay the bills, laugh with and all, and engage in a job i enjoy. time and love to give to those dear to me.

but in order to get there, ill have to survive the next close to decade of years. i am making big switches, almost impossible leaps, but these leaps have to be made, because this will affect my career paths for the next decades, and will have spill on effects on my life, my relationships, my capacity to become more independent financially.. and so to work, and i'll stay calm.

i'm grateful for life, and joy, and for Bach:)

Life goals

2008-10-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

"you are actually quite naive, aren't you? i work on guilty till proven innocent...thats why you get into trouble with people!"

i'm tired. i have been told by umpteenth friends that i'm too trusting and naive about people...

but i really don't want to live on suspicion. how can i live this way? what kind of life is this if i'm constantly suspicious of people telling me half-truths... i can't live like that.

financially, i'm worried about money, and worried about my future, everything seems to collide together, but i also understand something...

i can't control everything. i'll just have to tae that leap of faith, and take all the careful steps i have been doing already.

one side of me feels extremely guilty...i'm twenty-eight, i wish i could take over the financial responsibilities but there's another side of my brain that also says, no, there's at least decades more for me to do so... so just stay the course and focus on my other plans because that could mean that later on i can fulfil my financial responsibilities and earn my living.

more pictures of dover

2008-09-29T06:46:00.000-07:00

i'm slacking a bit... i'm entitled... i just handed in my dissertation and i surely deserve a tiny break.. )

here's more pictures of Dover and my first time plucking and eating wildblueberries...

isn't it lovely?

beautiful dover

2008-09-27T05:27:00.000-07:00

I always fantasized of going to dover beach, simply because i read dover beach during my A levels.

i was fortunate, it was indeed a lovely day!

What i see when i go joggin in London

2008-09-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

Autumn has come at last... my favourite season.

Oddly enough, last year, i was sad that i won't be here to experience autumn...or so i thought. Then i was still in C, and i did not think i would be transferring.

indeed , as of today, i have passed the one-year mark in the UK :), but most of it has been spent indoors...goodness gracious me.. well there was the transfer which meant i had to catch up on half a term's worth of work. One of the tutors at UCL looked at me disbelieving and said he had no idea how i was going to catch up..oh well, i did score a provisional distinction for the work i handed into him.

My tutor asked me a few days ago whether i regretted the transfer. Well, no, not exactly. and anyway the die has been cast, and any regret would be fruitless.

I have enjoyed my studies immensely---the dept was extremely supportive, or rather the graduate tutor has been wonderful. he helped me clear the administrative roadblocks for me to get another dept's module counted into my workload and thus allowed me to take classes in another dept, he gave me the extensions i needed earlier due to my transfer and he even stored my things for a while when i was frantically looking for new accommodation when i was faced with a crazy landlord.

i have stayed for 9 months in this current house, and i'm very, very, very happy. my landlord is fabulous and i get along well with him...hence i'm trying to stay on in this house.

but anyway, here are some pictures of autumn's glory when i go jogging..i have no money to explore the delights of london lah...

relationships

2008-09-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a long time, i know, but tis coz i have been busy with my dissertation which I have just handed in, and my sleeping schedule is completely messed up, so i thought i'll blog instead about something that's bothering me, and i'll just recycle this in the future.

1. I really don't do casual relationships or getting into a relationship for its own sake, and no matter how many times you repeat that you think I'm beautiful and attractive or how similar we seem to be, it has no effect on me. ABSOLUTELY. Please bugger off.

2. When i give you my friendship, when i try to live with integrity and not string you along, and am utterly honest with you, please don't exploit it. It hurts me very deeply. I don't open myself up that easily, despite all my outward friendliness. As my closest friends observe, i'm deeply private with my emotions. So when I open up and give you my trust and allow you access to the more thoughtful and personal side rather than the madly happy persona, I do so in trust. Don't exploit and turn that trust against me, to get whatever you want out of me: attention, affection, time etc etc. Yes, i know men and women string each other along. I despise that sort of behaviour because i think it's hurtful and i never want to live like that. That is PRECISELY why i refuse to enter into relationships for its own sake. If after observing and knowing you for some time and I feel that we aren't the right person for each other in terms of personal qualities, life goals and attitudes, I refuse that because i simply don't want either person to get hurt. but in return, i expect the same consideration for another person... not just for me, but for others.

this is definitely a difficult path. We often ground our identities in how attractive we are to others, physically or otherwise, or how desirable we are. In addition, people do hurt us and string us along. But when will this cycle end? only if we choose NOT to perpetuate it. and that's my choice.

I'd rather be a crazy cat-lady all my life. I don't see having a relationship a marker of my value as a person.

3. If you have chosen to express your interest in me, and i decline it by hinting or making it clear i just want to be friends, i DO want to be friends. Most of the time, I have always cared for you...as a friend. I do not look at every male friend of mine as a potential partner or sperm donor; most of the time I see you as a person whom I might just want to get to know... as a interesting human being. It also takes me a really long time to be attracted to someone.. and no i'm not talking weeks! i need to see and know you in a variety of contexts before I will even consider dating you.

so i'm conservative or ridiculous. deal with it. if you can't play ball, find someone else. I have never said or believed that i'm the most attractive person in the entire universe...and if you find someone you like, good for you! i'll always be happy for you. But i do believe in my own self-worth, and that means i won't sell myself short for someone I can't see a future with either out of practical considerations (sorry I don't do star-crossed lovers act), or that I somehow don't see our characters in a situation where we can actually compromise on certain things and make a plausible, realistic and happy future. Do i believe in the idea of someone who's right for me in everyway? eh no. But there ARE some qualities i won't compromise on, and it goes beyond religion or educational status etc.

4. I honestly respect my men friends who accept that i don't want a relationship,and yet stay friends with me. I don't jerk people around, and i would never ever laugh or sneer at you in front of you or behind your back for being attracted to me, because we can't help attraction, but we can choose how we act on it. But it's very hard for me to stay friends when you don't accept my nos, and it makes me want to avoid you.

Am i against relationships? NO! but there are certain non-negotiables, and i do expect certain qualities, because I do see it as a lifelong thing and because i know myself well, what I will find tolerable, what i won't, what I will find livable with after the romantic haze dissipates, what i won't. I'm simply trying to save everyone hurt and pain, so please respect that, and you know, we can stay friends for life! I'm just so tired of having to fend off four men all within one week!

what i don't believe in

2008-07-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

All the things that make monogamy a success are, in their nature, un-dramatic things: the silent growth of an instinctive confidence, the common wounds and victories, the accumulation of customs, the rich maturing of old jokes. (p. 191)---Chesterton

i hesitated for some time before putting this up, but i guess i need to spew.

as an academic, i'm pretty openminded. but where me, the person, where i am concerned...pulleeeaze. if you aren't interested in monogamy and lifelong marital arrangements and are open to ah, alternative arrangements, puuuleezzze GO AWAY!

i'm virulently old-fashioned, hey, i probably score on the right wing bible belt conservative. so...

i guess it's the shock of looking around, and realizing that open relationships are everywhere! i don't have a problem with my friends engaging in these things, but if you are looking for a friends with benefits and whatever where I am concerned, GOOOOOO away. i'm not available!

in fact, just to prove how damn right winged i have become, go to...
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/davescolumns/Feb07/

2008-06-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Howdy everyone! i am sorry for not writing for such a long time :) so here's my mug shot in case you all forget how i look like! preen..

i'm well. i just finished a spate of exams, been lazing about and trying to kick my ass about getting some work done. boo hoo.

at the moment, some updates on my happy little life. i went to the cotswolds yesterday. very, very pretty! slightly marred experience because of an idiot of a german guy who thought he was charmingly witty but was just plain rude and obnoxious. what idiots men can be at times, but luckily, an englishwoman rescued me:) but the fields of goldishly yellow flowers rae pretty, aren't they? we even had to cross a tiny bridge that fell in, so i had to grasp some stinging nettles which left my hand. tingling till now.

heh. so what have i been up to so far? well i have done a road trip! whee! for the first time and what fun! i need to learn driving so i can do road trips next time! apart from that, i have been lazing, going for a few concerts== a well-deserved break i think.
:)

Spring has arrived..

2008-04-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

Spring has finally dawned... the birds are twittering madly every morning (how irritating when i want to sleep!) and clear skies with longer days are here.

i'll be putting up pictures soon once i finish my blasted essays--yes, yes i was last minute so i'm churning out about 1000 words a day on average nowadays just to make the deadliens, but i'm so glad to be here :)

Oldest's best:

2008-04-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

On an msn conversation when i wondered aloud to a friend whether it hurt chickens to lay eggs...

after many speculations on my part (A) as to how it must be like childbirth, or whether it is akin to having really bad constipation, B flooded me with links on how hens lay their eggs.

A says: Oh Gawd, shouldn't have gotten you started!

B: Heh heh heh. but you *were* wondering.

All right little hen, I'm going to bed
A says: (9:50:12 PM)
cluck cluck cluck
A says: (9:50:15 PM)
iwas wondering

A says: (9:50:26 PM)
would u do my essay for me??
B (9:50:35 PM)
pawk pawk pawk
A (9:50:56 PM)
but i *am*
A(9:51:00 PM)
wondering in earnest now...
B (9:51:00 PM)
Your chikkens would have laid their eggs in vain
A: (9:51:59 PM)
RARRR!
B(9:53:26 PM)
Work hard
B (9:53:31 PM)
Make your chikkens proud of you

Oldest's best. it's amazing how, despite the many years when I barely meet up with her, that old friendship built on a mutual nocturnal love of night phone calls, music, when we were young and swinging university students, we still manage to fall into such silly conversations.

I hope we grow old together. (Beams) If you are reading this, blackie, this one's for you!

and now i have to go back to my dratted, decidedly none-hen or egg related essay...

snowing in London

2008-04-06T14:46:00.001-07:00

this is what greeted me this morning... yes it snows in April!

crazy isn't it?

it must be global warming, i tell you...it's supposed to be spring, not winter!

the worse hit will be the animals, and my guess would be the poor, fuel costs and all.

still there's something magical about seeing snowflakes...

i didn't see this in December--so its a late christmas for me!

Being thoroughly spoilt

2008-04-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

I went home to Singapore for a week: it was a whirlwind of meeting up with family, a few friends, battling my allergies which came back with a vengeance and buying things for London living (i bought braised peanuts...do you have a problem with that?!)

here's me hiding during an unexpected birthday celebration.

Twenty-eight.

how awfully old that feels suddenly, and yet i feel no closer to settling my life.

Time seems to fly by and yet stand still for me--i'm still trying to sort out my life direction whilst my friends are buying apartments, flats, getting married, giving birth.

Yes, i know, at my age, people of my mother's generation were already laden with kids.

Am i worried that I am still almost like a footloose and fancy free barely turned twenty year old?

i guess, sometimes. i don't mean about the getting married bit, i mean the haven't seem to sort out my life direction bit. But then again, i believe that it's much better i take my own route than follow the crowd--in my case---because how much worse if i shortcircuit everything and get myself caught up in what one of my professors term the 'lock-step existence'?

anyway, to those of you who are reading this blog and whom i didnt meet...please don't be offended. i forgot to bring my mobile phone on which i stored all the numbers...

i'll meet up with you the next time i am home!

Marriage proposals...

2008-03-22T08:29:00.001-07:00

P: hey! would you like to marry me? Marry me lah, then you can sponsor my academic lifestyle...

L (already endowed with a long-term boyfriend): sorry, you not my type. Food is very important to me too.

gives up, turns to another person...

P: Ay, marry me lah! join teaching, then you can support my ambitions!

A: eh, not my type lah. i'm heterosexual.

P: go for a sex change la. i also heterosexual. but i need someone to fund me!!! go lah!

A: aiyah, no lah. i also want someone to support me...

so depressing. two proposals sent out (admittedly to my girl-friends, so that might not have worked) and twice rejected immediately.

mirror, mirror on the wall...

I am on the market: i need a husband or a wife!

2008-03-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hello, hello!

Calling for all rich wives/husbands wannabes...

i'm eligible! (flutters eyelids)

Criteria (none negotiable. You can be nice, and wonderful, funny and all that, but you have to be all of that IN ADDITION to the following. Please don't apply if you fail any requirements)

1. Rich AND willing to use the money to sponsor my research and studies. If you are rich but not willing to sponsor my work, sorry, apply elsewhere. Next!

And oh, if you are willing to sponsor my work, but aren't rich, no! I don't want to be guilt-tripped, thank you!

2. willing to be left alone for a long time whilst i do research. I will occasionally pay attention to you, i promise. Maybe five minutes whilst i climb out of the labyrinth of books and papers and notes or when i am not away on long periods of fieldwork?

3. willing to put up with badly cooked food, and sometimes microwavable food. It's just food. Get over it.

4. Hold my hand whilst i agonise over my ideas and research. I will have many moments when i doubt my own work, or the worth of what i am doing---even though i fundamentally believe in it. Please listen to me and reassure me. And oh, if you have a critical eye and a keen intellect, all the better---I want someone who can help me sharpen my ideas.

In exchange:

1. I will make sure our living quarters are livable. clothes will be periodically dumped into the washing machine i promise. Dishes will be washed---i haven't fallen down the scale of academic insanity yet. I can promise some level of cleanliness.

2. You will be hugely fascinated with the intellectual stuff i dig out! I am a fascinating conversationalist! Why do you want a porcelain doll? Pshaw! looks pass...presumably, we will grow old together, and hey, by then, you want an intelligent companion to keep Alzheimer's at bay. Looks won't do the trick, and as much as I love research, I assume I will give it up at some point in time, esp. if you fit the bill! (wink!)

3. I promise i won't have affairs outside: i don't have time lah. Hello, when I don't even have the time to think about speed-dating, or whatever, and i have to resort to putting up ads on my blog---that is really pathetic, i know---do you think I have time to fool around? The only mistress I have will be my research. Honest!

ANY TAKERS?

No?

I suppose not.

Sigh.

Bangs head on the table..., why, why, why can't i aspire to be rich or get married by 30 or something, which all seem to be goals that are more realistic than my present one anyway?!!

As an aspiring male anthropologist i met said to us all.. we all need rich wives, and upon turning to me.. "yes, even YOU!".

Especially me, i think.

Gloomy look.

should i make it my goal to get married instead? seems more attainable than academia.

Blimey.

Meet my old love

2008-02-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

I have had a long standing crush on this man for oh, close to a decade now, and here's why.

THIS is exactly why I get mad (shrieks!) and believe in the role of the public intellect, and the importance of academic endeavours. Dammit, there's something rotten in our world, if we can invent pesticides that inflict harm on child half a globe a way (i was watching a tv programme on fairtrade as i was doing my stretching exercises) if we can be so damn arrogant as to include and exclude others based on ideologies and oh, by the way, wipe out their livelihoods (don't believe me? just research a little bit on the wood that adorns your home... its likely to have come from a forest that was once home to pgymies or otherwise).

Defend freedom, defend our beliefs, our lifestyles, our sexual orientations, oh for heavenssake!

I will never be a President

2008-02-15T02:42:00.000-08:00

I will never be able to be a President of a country.

I say this with deep sadness, and, not even revulsion, when i read Bush's reflections on his past legacy. The best he offers is that he believes that America remains on moral highground.

Believes. moral highground. how empty these words are, when we justify anything in the name of torture.

I am not downplaying the complexity of dealing with a world--- i won't say gone mad because really, we as a species are incredibly inventive in devising ways of killing ourselves---where young men believe they need to eradicate others and themselves in a one-second bomb bid for glory.

but can't we acknowledge, that perhaps, we never ever know the consequences of our actions, that we, like our forefathers, always visit our 'sins'/problems (whatever you call it) on our children anyway. I say this not in judgement of parents, who are themselves afflicted with the consequences of the actions of their own parents anyway, but to return to Bush agai, to say, his actions will be justified as long as America doesn't pull out her troops is lame to say the least. When you, uh, invade a country and meddle sufficiently such that people are hurt, dying, and angered, it seems to me you have to continue meddling in a continual contest to prove who is stronger.

Freedom? human rights? what are these words but empty banners when we cease to remember the fundamental human-ness of each and every person, yes, even the mad man who is out to take our lives? We do have reason to fear, yes, but it seems to me that the pity, empathy that is over-ridden and forgotten as we go on the offensive and defensive is what keeps us human, and makes life living, if at all.

Look at Bush's face. This has got to be one of the most incredibly closed faces typical of war mongers. the way his lips and chin are defiantly set against the world, drawing himself hunch over to protect his beliefs.

It's funny to think how i have changed in my responses to him. I use to rage evertime i heard him, my blood pressure goes up because i was so angered by his blinkeredness. I still am, but a deep sadness fills me, because this is the way of the world, only those who are incapable of the following: self-doubt, of being fully human in understand the limits of their understanding and being strong enough to cope with "i don't knows" can be presidents.

Bush isn't alone, though.

There are warmongers amongst us all, Muslims, Christians, everyone, because when we solidify something as a universal truth we need to defend (how strange, indeed, when we think we need to defend the God we claim to revere as God, oh the delicious irony), that's when we indeed perpetuate an existence not worth living. How strange, then, that we can fall into a trance where we actually think it's our bounden duty to defend God.

Five Ways to Kill a Man

There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man.
You can make him carry a plank of wood
to the top of a hill and nail him to it.
To do this properly you require a crowd of people
wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak
to dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one
man to hammer the nails home.

Or you can take a length of steel,
shaped and chased in a traditional way,
and attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears.
But for this you need white horses,
English trees, men with bows and arrows,
at least two flags, a prince, and a
castle to hold your banquet in.

Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind
allows, blow gas at him. But then you need
a mile of mud sliced through with ditches,
not to mention black boots, bomb craters,
more mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs
and some round hats made of steel.

In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly
miles above your victim and dispose of him by
pressing one small switch. All you then
require is an ocean to separate you, two
systems of government, a nation’s scientists,
several factories, a psychopath and
land that no-one needs for several years.

These are, as I began, cumbersome ways to kill a man.
Simpler, direct, and much more neat is to see
that he is living somewhere in the middle
of the twentieth century, and leave him there.

Edwin Brock

Autism

2008-02-09T16:05:00.000-08:00

What do i care for if you aren't well?

what do i care when a thunderstorm quivers on your brow,

impending signs of a rocking so incessant it's mesmerising,

and in your screaming i hear whispers uttered not by you.

First they said it was a malevolent spirit which i had omitted to exorcise,

then they said it was my utter devotion to my job.

Yet, i hear the muted accusations behind each invisible finger,

you were the product of a mother neglectful, a refrigerator mother, a mother who forgets her firstborn duties

thus i anxiously re-walk a path worn down in search for a cause, a memory of a negligence that cause you such great harm.

i wrote this in reaction to a book i'm reading at the moment which details the history of autism and diagnosis. it denotes the common blame laid at the feet of mothers who were deemed as less attentive to their children's needs--- thereby causing the aforementioned autism). Refrigerator mothers they were called.

It made me angry as i remember someone i know, who had unsolicited and well-meaning advice and diagnoses hurled at her. oh he must have been possessed, and on and on they would insist on a variety of exorcisms, then it became a charge of moral weakness---you aren't firm enough with him, you give in, you are too weak.

Sontag was accurate in her understanding that illnesses were always interwoven with moral universes, and the same rage she feels towards this intertwining is now what moves me.

Sometimes it's shocking the deep harm we cause to others---i grieve for the mothers who must have wondered just exactly what it is they did wrong, and rage on their behalf at those (inevitably!) white male psychiatrists/psychologists and psychoanalysts who forget that the costs of their armchair theorerizing and five-second judgement (you are doing your child harm; you did not show care) was to inflict years of agony and guilt for others.

And in our well-meaningness, sometimes less certitude, less posturing is welcome, since what we really need is more patience, less homespun and carelessly given advice and simply more compassion.

Borough market

2008-02-07T05:11:00.000-08:00

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

i have also received some of the most awesome presents of late...thank you! it's lovely to discover parcels of surprises in my mailbox (keep 'em coming! heh heh heh!)

Chickpeas and pickled tofu

2008-02-07T04:32:00.000-08:00

Ahem, ahem, my first attempt at chickpea curry. Isn't it awesome? I have discovered the wonders of chickpeas so as you can see on the left, its chickpea curry and on the right, chickpea with parsley salad.

the left is cooked using chickpeas , black beans and butterbeans (sorry i agah agah so can't tell u the quantity), water, sliced onions and garlic which i fried first with cumin, coriander and other herbs and curry powder, then i simmered with water, again, guesswork, then dumped in the beans, with orange juice, my few days ago oven-roasted butternut squash and spinach.
yum. it has an awesome taste, just teh right consistency.

on the right is my chickpea butterbean salad with parsley, which i learnt from a housemate's jamie oliver's receipe book left lying around...

woohoo! i really had enough of chicken for a few months methinks, so i'lll have to find other means of obtaining protein.

and yes if the question is, have i been doing my readings, er no, but food is more important. methinks i am a fulltime housewife and part-time student.. grin

the reference to pickled tofu is the find i discovered at Chinatown (at last!) of chilli pickled tofu soaked in vinegar. yum yum! now i can have my porridge... whopeee!

I'm in trouble

2008-01-29T13:13:00.000-08:00

I like my food too much.

It started out with trying to save money, hence the preparations of every single meal. hello? i'm too broke even to afford the ready to run supermarket meals.

But it's spiralled into an actual love of experimentation with food (which is not good news for my studies, nor for my tummy, which looks six months pregnant!)

I spend my days decadently. Everytime i'm bored in a class, i'll think of experimenting with a different ingredient for the day...F'instance, i played with avocados, chickpeas, pasley etc all in a day. yesterday was fun, i played with tofu, and various tomato puree.

My meals are extremely varied.

I cant' say the same for my readings because um, when you spend your days dreaming up receipes, doing laundry and boring things like that, (and oh, um, sneaking in social activities), it's a bit had to carve out time to actually read, no?

And so, i'm left hugging my butternut squash (a new find i'm going to play for tomorrow!) at the moment, trying to push myself to get some readings done. this, despite leaving school 6 hours ago to the minute, vowing i'll rush home to get work done! (I got distracted by chickpeas...)

I forgot the milk!

2008-01-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

Oh ho! now i know what's wrong with my quiche!

As usual, I like to pretend to myself that my memory is infallible.

Being really bored with the rice with stirfry veggies, rice with ginger stirfried chicken, that have been having, i decided i was going to make quiche.

Having successfully made it before at least 3-4 years ago , I thought i'll do it. The first time i tried on Wednesday, i didn't buy enough eggs to cover the silly spinach and mushrooms--which i admit i put way too much mushrooms---and so i ended up with goodness knows what, (tastes wonderful, but hardly passes as quiche) this erm, mushroom and spinach monster that falls apart.

I bagged that and decided to make some rice to serve that as a kind of veggie dish.

Friday, stoning in class, i decided to have another go... it must be the eggs, i grumbled to myself. Cycling furiously to the supermarket---i had an hour to chop, and er bake before i rush off to choir practice---i bought 10 eggs just for this purpose, more spinach, and decided to omit the mushrooms this time.

Genius that i was, trying to finish chopping and stuff it into the oven (my oven has no self-timer alas!) and get it to cook all before 6.45, i chop so hard i squash hard on my thumb whilst looking anxiously at the clock,. said thumb has been bleeding for the past few hours. no matter. 7.15 came and i had barely left my over-generously doused with eggs thing in the oven for 15-20 mins.

No matter, i decided to switch off the oven in the faith that the heat still circulating around the oven will certainly cook the quiche--i had this vague feeling i was doing something wrong.. 10 eggs? 10 eggs? into a small quiche? that sounds cholesterol inducing to me---and left sucking my still bleeding thumb for choir.

Returning home after choir and dripping blood still, i looked at my quiche, tasted it (it wasn't too bad) but it seems... somewhat flatter than most quiche i see and somewhat less creamy.

Giving in, i researched online discovered....i forgot either the milk or cream what have you.

and most receipes don't go for 10 eggs.

bah!

My landlord is so sweet!

2008-01-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

My landlord is absolutely a gem!

The old TV which he lent me died within 3 days, and I have been wondering how on earth to tell him... whether he might barf and kick me out or something.

Instead, he simply said, oh I'll replace with another old TV for you. I told him, repeatedly no hurry as I wasn't the sort who desperately needs a TV for my survival.

And he went out a few hours later and came back with a second hand TV. Mind you, i gaped at him, and he laughed and said i shouldn't expect this sort of treatment all the time.

Golly! It's not the TV itself---i never was a big TV watcher anyway, but the gesture i appreciate.

He also made reference to the earlier incident and said E, his partner, has called me an excellent policeman for the house, since i bothered to check the identities of the fish-tank removers. Laughs. looks like i have a new nickname now.
Also, I went sightseeing today on my way from church. i also had a wonderful book sale where novels were going for 2-3 pounds...

Ok, so i'm turning into a shopaholic, but well, I have decided I'm going to let go a bit and spend. London is expensive and first i had to cope with the shock of moving from C to London, b'coz i ended having to pay at least 5k more pounds for schoolfees and let's not even get down to accommodation and transport.

Trying to economise frantically will drive me insane, slowly, so i'm now rubbing my hands in glee over my new novels---aiyah, sian, cannot read anymore academic texts already, i haven't finished my assignments as i proudly proclaim in my previous entries but aiyah!---and my new tops and scarf. at worse i'll try to find a part-time job in june but i'm going to let go and enjoy myself for the next few months at least.

Pictures of London as i went awalking...

2008-01-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures i took along the way as i went awalking. There are more coming up, as I'm going a roaming and awalking now that my woes seem to be over!

Hope springs eternal; tralalala

2008-01-03T04:31:00.000-08:00

Isn't it mindbogglig that we have an amazing capacity for optimism and hope?

I felt a grin breaking through from deep within last night...yes, i more or less finished---i don't give a damn about the quality anymore--- two papers, though i still have to tidy and tighten them up and write two more---not that i care, i'm just going to hand in two first and either ask for an extension or something---i had enough of staying indoors! the past few months have been a dreary slog---i didn't save this hard to deal with this crap.

The perils of coming late to a course lah and wasting time on accommodation.

but life promises to offer so much! Rubs hands in glee---I suddenly realise all I have to do is go to school for some days, but also will have time to engage in photography and all my other interests! Gosh, such a short time n London... how do i maximise my time in views of my limited funds?

Tralalala....2008 looks like a promisingly happy year now that the weight of at least 1/2 of my overdue assignments are done..

Like i said, isn't it amazing how we always have this innate capacity for hope that things turn out better?

School is a waste of time

2008-01-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

After weeks of staying in ill and trying to write my papers, it is a firm belief school is a waste of time.

Everything I read now makes me feel that i'm wasting my life away. Who cares about the duality between the subject and object? Fwah!

i conclude: i am burnt out, and so, away, i go, to play, soon!

inspired

2008-01-01T02:24:00.001-08:00

I met my housemate's mum today in the kitchen. Her mum came down to stay with her and I ran into them both this morning---very nice and friendly people. they laughed and said, oh you have been to yorkshire? yes, it's lots friendlier, not like London.

I'm tremendously inspired. Her mum's doing a PhD now, after teaching English for the past few years, and it amazes me.. because we see so few of people doing things out of the pure passion of it!. It's clear thata PhD isn't going to help in a career, let's be realistic, age, the plethora of Phds in English is obvious, A Phd can only be driven by the sheer love of the subject.

This glimpse into another person's passion is helping to stroke and reignite my own, for I remember, seeing her joy in talking about her PhD, my own drive and passion. I came because I wanted to say something, I wanted to say something real and productive about the world, not merely earn a piece of paper or merely to summarise a grand theorist...which is partly why I've been feeling awfully down and frustrated, because it seems as if the approach taken in the uk unis dept I have attended so far is that to test my summary of a theorist, but not quite to use it, as I'm accustomed to back home.

So i'll finish up those horrible papers, and hopefully move onto something happier soon.

A new year's resolution

2007-12-31T02:14:00.000-08:00

It was with a start of recognition when I saw my friend's blog entry, written in sadness a few months back. A fellow teacher, she bemoan that all she has done for the past few years is really to work. Work, work, work, because everything has been so emotionally draining---and this is precisely why I wanted to fly free...I couldn't stop myself from obsessing about every logical fallacy my students wrote, I tried my best to help them think, but at such a high price. S. told me disgruntledly many years back she started out that way too, then realise mid-way that students don't really care as much as we do, and the toil that it would exact would be too high. Now, S is a great teacher--she taught me so much!---and by all standards, she is responsible, but I see that she is right...sometimes we have to spend more time for ourselves.

I became so tired, I barely had time for my family. I was so emotionally drained all the time, i felt vulnerable, I had to retreat back into my shell, into the quietness of my room and self. Meeting people, anyone, made me fear the dissipation of my tired and vulnerable work-exhausted self. Oh I wanted to hang out with my family and friends too, but i was just too tired and drained everyday--and i pushed that off. I thought my escape route lay in going off to study, but now, I guess, I have come to realise, it was that I had been too much of a perfectionist, because really, a little fuzzy thinking will not have killed my students. The price of ruthlessly eradicating every logical error, explaining at length in each of their essays has also meant a heavy price i paid. It's odd, but it took the strange and difficult problems of the past few months to realise that I am good at problem-solving---I made the difficult decision to move so many times---because I know what should be done and can muster up truckloads of willpower to do so---but I have neglected to even rest and play. It took being sick so often here that made me see that the price of trying to problem-solve efficiently, with lack of care for my tired self has been tremendously high.

I resolve to take work less seriously from now on. It sounds disgusting and horrible---I don't mean I'll swing to the extreme of not caring, but having these few weeks of time to think---enforced by my long bout of flu which has rendered me tired and too tired to quickly get my essays and assignments out of the way as I am too exhausted----has made me realise this isn't what I want. i don't want to be constantly achieving things---either marking obsessively as a teacher, or even doing a string of things.

It's true that at your deathbed you kind of think through what you want in life. I was and am ,by no means on my deathbed---good grief---but I have come to wish, I learnt to play harder. Oh I looked playful, I seemed to always be up to some mad joke, but I really played and enjoyed myself very little not just over the past few months but the past few years.

For me, then, it's to rework the balance...and for 2008, i hope to say I have achieved better balance, I have learnt to smell the flowers and relax more. 2007 has taught me much, that perhaps as I strived so hard at work and then to get into a different track, I have run my life on the basis of efficiency, and found that it doesn't matter that much to me, after all. I hope, trust and pray it isn't too late.

Christmas in London

2007-12-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

It feels properly Christmasy. Everything has become so cold, and I'm listening to the Nine Lessons and Carols by the King's college, Cambridge (wry look... yes, i could have listened to it in person!) , all pretensions of trying to do my work having been vanquished.

There's a hum and buzz about the air, and everything has become deathly quiet, for everyone has either flown away, or gone home to spend the days with their family. Lights twinkling in the windows of every house I see, it's also not surprising how people find their loneliest time during Christmas in Euro-America, simply because it's such an event here.

As for me? I'm going to a friend's place, and on the road to recovery, am either going to somehow, despite the almost none-existent transport system, go to a service tomorrow or stay at home to do my papers or read the books I gleefully bought in preparation for slacking!

I love Christmas! Yes, I do wish I could have spent it with people I care for deeply, but I'm also feeling very lucky at the moment! My first freezing Christmas (notwithstanding writing papers!!!)

Merry Christmas to all!

2007-12-23T15:20:00.001-08:00

And oh, if you are reading this blog,
merry Christmas to you all! thank you for all your good wishes and concern, forgive me for my mianess and not wanting to talk, just been overwhelmed but i will soon return!

The heroine that nearly was

2007-12-23T14:31:00.000-08:00

And so I, the intrepid burglar-catcher, stopped two men in their tracks just as they were about to make off with my landlord's most precious things.

The police gave a fanfare, my landlord couldn't stop weeping as he thought of the potential loss of his precious fish, and all hailed miss P, the brave, the wonderful small person who dared...

Alas this never would be.

Hopping downstairs, I was taken aback to discover that the doorway to the apartment of my landlord (who is probably sunbathing in Thailand) wide open, and two men removing a fishtank. Both ignored me. I was hesitating, but decided to be kaypoh and asked, sorry, who ARE you? and it turned out, of course, that his partner was hidden behind the two men.

E. laughed and said, "Oh dear, then everything is taken away!" before his face crinkled into laughter.

Mine followed suit and I danced off, amused, that this seem so movie-like!

And here are some more pictures of stuff I whipped up for the past two days. You can tell I have been doing a lot of cooking of late, simply because a)i'm ill b)i don't like supermarket reheatable food all the time c)I HATE creamy stuff---which underlies much of British supermarket convenience food ranging from soups to rice stuff, which is all i can afford given my limited budget so cooking's cheaper e) I always have had pretensions towards cooking f) the old-made-in-singapore tv my landlord lent me died within a week and i hope he doesn't barf when he returns, i don't want to move again!--g) because I am slacking and I am sick to death of pretending to do my work. haha! I dont care if my deadlines are actually extended ones in view of teh fact I joined the course late, it's Christmas, I haven't enjoyed myself properly since I set foot on British soil, and i don't wish to moo madly from feeding on bad food. So THERE!

I miss my pretty, pretty Cambridge room

2007-12-21T14:44:00.001-08:00

so finally, shots of my cambridge room. Well, forgive the mess, i remembered to take photos only the night before I was leaving and was packing madly---a friend reminded me to---and opps, looks guiltily at another friend, I forgot to take shots of the mad woman's room which i rented...

My Cambridge room had a lovely roof---i had sort of an attic ceiling, and i even had a blue settee! I had a small balcony too! But ah well, when a newly made Cambridge friend asked me to rethink when I wanted to leave and told me that I would have difficulties finding nice accommodation like this, I asked myself and honestly could not stay with a pretty room only.

But i miss my cambridge room and the porters and the househelp I made friends then but ah well, some things are not meant to be!

My room

2007-12-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

This is the third room I have had so far in the UK---3 rooms, 1 for every month!---and here are some pictures. it is much tinier than the room I have had at Cambridge, as well as the room i had at the mad woman's house---both my previous two rooms had enough space for settes/sofas and enough room for at least 2-3 people with their own sleeping bags to crash over.

But what shall i say? I'm hoping NOT to move anymore as so far the facilities in this house work---everything works! and my housemates don't seem extraordinarily dirty!---they seem nice, not overly friendly but decent, and my landlord actually left me a Christmas card welcoming me into the house as he left for vacation just before I moved in.

that white thing you see peeking out of the corner near the foot of the bed is an extra duvet which I was mad enough to try and handwash...I'm not entirely convinced it's cleaner now!---er, let's just say I was being mad as usual, so once that is dry cleaned, it can be converted into a sort of mattress :)

who is a great cook? c'est moi, the one and only

2007-12-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

Ahem, I cooked soup today WITHOUT a receipe. I'm pleased to say it wasn't too bad. Ok so it would have been more photogenic if i had taken photos of it pipping hot in its pot or my soup bowl, but as usual, I forgot to take photos until its a bit late. those three tupperwares are what i intend to store for three meals :) after I have satiated myself. Burp.

Let me give you the receipe (and my recommendations)

1. Take 2-3 oranges (you can use clementines or ordinary ones but clementines are usually sweet), 2 apples and 1 persimmon. Slice them into quarters (please peel the apples)

2. dump in mushrooms,spinach and tomatoes as well.

3. let it simmer in water (use your own judgement); maybe for at least 20-30 minutes?.

4. meanwhile, saute a large onion, a clove of garlic, sliced pieces of two chicken breasts for about 8-10 minutes or so.

Dump them all in the soup and let everything simmer some more. switch off when you have checked the flavour.

Ok some amendments. you are advised to remove the cut pieces of persimmon after the soup is completed. All of the above fruits add sweetness and some flavour to the soup---the chicken breast pieces don't help---but the dissolved apple and orange bits do. The persimmon just tastes weird after its flavour has gone into the soup. I tried eating a slice and choked. the rest of the fruit pieces, having melted, became gorgeous. Even the melted onions and so on were yummy.

Truth being told, the real story is, I have been down with flu and so was too "lembek" (weak in Malay) to walk out and buy bay leaves, rosemary, thyme and the usual herbs I fall back upon to make veggie soup, as I looked around my larder and realized I absolutely did not want to eat canned creamy soup (i HATE creamy soups!), or anything fried or oily. I even felt sick at the thought of eating bread.

So pouncing on my fruit stock---I had the foresight to buy lots of fruits and veggies and chicken breasts as i guessed I would be too ill to walk around very much the next few days---i decided to turn them into soup stock.

And oh, I cleaned up the kitchen, even cleaned up left over pots and the a dirty cooker left by my housemates.

So who says I'm a dirty girl? (with a meaningful toss at her mother!)

I need an exorcist

2007-12-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

I have moved!:)

But my ex-landlord is giving me grief. As you all have pointed out, she sounds mad.

Well i conclude she IS mad. I didn't want to talk to her anymore as I suspected that she would have created a big drama at the handing over keys stage so this is what i did---which I won't advocate or would have done if I had a normal landlord, but as we established earlier, she is't so I dont' feel I did the wrong thing.

I took my stuff and left a note detailing that I had to be at my new place at 8 am---true, for the internet connection---and I have stripped the mattresses of the covers and placed them neatly for her to wash, have cleaned the areas----and that I was very tired and hoped not to come back for the handing over personally. If she had problems, she could contact me on.---I left her my uk hp no (prepaid, btw, so i can change the number if necessary...!). I left the keys in the room along with the note.

When I was in my ew place, I rang her up and left a voice message to say I have left, but have given her my contact number so she can contact me if necessary.

She rang me at 10 pm in high dungeon insisting that she had papers in the room and what had i done with them? (stole? burnt? ) then rounded off by saying she is going to complain to my university for being sneaky blah blah blah.

Hello, If i wanted to sneak off, I won't even have left my hp no for you to contact me, you crazy cow. I knew you would have some last minute nonsense that's why I DO NOT want to talk to you face to face anymore.

Ayway, I'm hopin she can be exocised out of my life and TONIGHT is the last i have heard of her. I am sick to death of her, and I wanna get my work out of the way so I can play and enjoy UK properly.

Crazy cow.

Counting down

2007-12-16T06:51:00.000-08:00

I am moving in tomorrow to my new place. Hopefully the internet connection starts up successfully and well, and I am well pleased with the landlord, the housemates and the facilities! :) So tired of freezing everyday---I can't think, can't work---it's not productive.

And maybe, if I'm not so cold, I won't eat so much! I have oh lemme see, about a 6 months pregnant size of the tummy... I'm definitely tubby now! Snack food here is AMAZING, and I ADORE carbs... cakes, scones, muffins, rice.. bring them on!

Ok so I'm supposed to write essays instead of crapping here but I am still braindead, the library's goin to shut for christmas-new year vacation.. argh!

apart from them, I'm starting to feel happier I guess...I am starting to calm down from having to panic over universities and accommodations (cross fingers!) and I'm starting to be excited, finally, that I'm living in London!

Once my deadlines are over, I hope to regal everyone with exciting and happy tales about Londoning.. yes, maybe even working as a barmaid to pay off my accommodation?
wink.

Food oh most glorious, most divine.

2007-12-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

Pilov.

I am going to learn how to cook it.

we had a christmas party last night, and one of my khazakhstanian coursemates---i was hugely embarrassed that i didn't recongise her ever, but then again, I came late on the course so I have an excuse!---cooked this whooping pot of steaming hot rice.

I wish I took pictures, because it was tres, tres bien, sehr gut, hen hao chi, whatever. yum. Contrast that with my edible stuff, I feel terribly embarrassed that I can't cook better. I can do light european salads and y'know, eggs with mushrooms etc and they taste goodish, but like the elaborate stuff? darn. wish I could.

My course mates so far, are very easy going and a really nice bunch. Lovely to meet them all. I hope i become better friends with them, once I get over my deadlines.

As for now, my lovelies, I'm feeling much chirpier, as I will be moving in for good next monday onwards! I started moving my things to my new place today, and I found a card by my new landlord welcoming me to the new place---he's on holiday---which i think bodes well, he seems very understanding that I'm very, very scared now of landlords!

Well on tuesday morning, i rang him up panicking... On Monday, the university called me to say they found me housing that was cheaper and more central and i had to decide within 24 hours, but it was available only mid Jan. I was panicking badly as I prefer university housing---at least I don't have to deal with landlords!---but kind of decided to speak to him first as I have already paid a month's deposit as well as half a month's rent. I didnt' tell him I had another offer---i just told him I was worried he was going to kick me out for writing essays in my room---note that the whole ruckus with this current one revolves around teh fact that I quietly work in my room!---and he laughed and said that once I move in, I'll calm down as he feels i'm just very scarred by my current experiences.

We'll see first. if all goes well, I'll stay till the end of my course! and maybe find a job. A sign that I have started to calm down from the recent spate of mad and crazy incidents...I am even thinking of extending my stay in the UK, as I feel I haven't seen much of it apart from, tube and train rides, and sourcing for affordable accommodation, and yes, trying to play catch up.
Who knows? waitressing, bar maiding... the possibilities are endless! as long as they pay the bills! :)

On the spirit of Scrooge and when I grow old...

2007-12-02T09:14:00.000-08:00

The days are getting shorter and colder, and as the weather brings across thoughts of Christmas, my thoughts turn towards not just home, but Dickens. Yes, Dickens and A Christmas Carol.

It was almost as if a light went on in my head since yesterday, and I begin to understand my landlord, and to gain something from it---which is how I don't want to turn out when I hit my fifties or sixties!

She really is Scrooge. She isn't evil incarnate nor is she poor--she goes on holidays to really far destinations, eats only organic food!---but just unreasonable, and combine with that, not being able to plan ahead so that leads to her trying to penny pinch.

she goes on like a broken tape recorder, I thought you would be in school on Monday, tues, wed, and on weekends, to which i calmly reply I am in school half of the days and now it's my assignment/exam time so I'm staying in my room to clear my work. i almost don't lose my temper anymore when i hear this because I'm so sick of hearing this phrase. The real reason, I think, is her worry that if i'm in, i'll waste heating and light energy. But i've talked to other landlords and they explained that even if I stay indoors twenty four hours, 7 days a week, it'll come up to at most 5 pounds more per week, on top of say, if i were already paying 10 pounds per week for utilities (which exclude the internet etc).

she turns the heating on very, very low when she goes out and whenever i ask her to turn it on---look i am not stupid and am capable of fiddling with the control myself, but out of respect I tell and ask her as she gets nervous even when I use the washing machine unsupervised---and seriously, it's a marked difference when her friends pop by and the heating is just nice!---and grumbles on and on that I am wasting electricity. I have told her i am willing to run to the kitchen and toilet and switch off the little heaters so that the heating will only warm up my room but she says its too troublesome (i.e. she rather i freeze over at 7-8 degrees...which no matter how many fleeces i put on, is too cold to work properly!). Then because she sees me going to the toilet in slippers---I'm not wearing socks to the toilet to shower!--and because she seen me once wearing my polo t-shirt with cap sleeves to the toilet---she insists it's because I am not dressing warmly. Ridiculous: i have never complained to her about how cold it gets only until I have already worn two fleece jackets, ad I don't ever stroll around the house in mini-tops and shorts! Plus the curtains in my room are affected by the drafts through closed windows, which means my room's walls aren't sealed properly!---and she keeps saying it's because i'm not wearing enough clothes until I started saying look, I am wearing thermals under my clothes, and fleeces on top of my shirts! She then counters that I must zip more tightly. sigh.

I have seen her using the microwave to heat bread etc, and when I wanted to defrost my cooked food in my tupperware which I did two weeks ago, she says I'm being extravagant. Seriously, it takes 7 minutes to defrost as compared to 20 minutes over the gas, and from my google research, she'll save only 18 pounds per year if I consistently use gas over the microwave! She follows up with a lecture that she's trying to save energy and the environment---i was laughing to myself because research shows that for the same food you use for the microwave and gas cooker, you actually consume less energy for the microwave (i wasn't cooking in batches, just reheating food!). The real reason is she wants to save er... 1 pound per month from my usage which is never more than once a day? She always leaves lights on in all the rooms, which irritates me (an irritation i keep to myself), as I think that's a waste of energy and it merely shows her lip service to saving electricity!)

But something has become clear. The room I am renting is full of junk in the cupboards--I know because I'm supposed to find free space in the cupboards to put my things---and I have seen her other rooms when she was preparing for her guests to stay over---it's amazingly full of junk.. so full that it's impossible to walk into the other rooms!

She's a hoarder. The worse thing is, she's a fairly ok financially middle-class hoarder, who has only hosted EFL learners who cannot talk to her, so that's why she's so darn difficult to communicate to. She's bossy, and authoritarian, which is why she thinks she has the right to tell me how to run my life, and to keep asking me to go out---sorry that's not within the tenancy agreement!

And she's not what I want to become. Something clicked clear this weekend, and there's something very pathetic about becoming like this!

i don't ever want to be like this. I have seen at least four other older people near her age who are generous and yet not extravagant with their money. I never want to become like this, encumbered by my many things that I can't let things go.

One thing I learnt from the move from C to London, and now from accommodation to, in few weeks' time, yet another accommodation, is that I never felt so encumbered by my books and clothes before. Things have a way of tying you down; your spirit down; and your priorities become fettered to your property. I haven't argued or been more firm as many classmates/friends told me to, simply because I dare not risk my things---my computer, some presents given to me by people dear to me, my certs, passport etc. Of course, if anything goes wrong, I can complain to the authorities. But what's the point? by then it's over and no complaining will bring back my certificates, for instance, to me.

I resolve not to accumulate too much things now though. Or at least, it's ok to buy things, but to let them go and allow others to benefit from them too. One person I know always has the attitude that she is glad for someone to be using something she doesn't, or whenever I tell her I passed something I can't use to someone else, her response is that of enthusiasm, because the thing isn't wasted/hoarded but used by someone else.

that's the kind of attitude I want when I grow old.

When I grow old, i may or may not wear purple, but I want to be a generous person. Oh bills have to be paid, feet have to be planted on the ground, care with money still has to be shown, but this sort of pettiness? Spare me.

On another note, for some of you---who have been very patient in not asking about C--- I'll explain more when I have got time.

For now, what I will say is this: it's like growing up time, in the sense of learning to have the courage to do what is right for me, even if pragmatically, the place---oh believe me, I do know graduating with a degree from C does carry prestige----has a lot of glitter to it. Faced with such a decision many years ago, I went with pragmatism, made the best of it, but always wondered what would happen had i the courage to walk away from it.

I guess I feel as if this time was a kind of repetition in a way, and I'm glad, for now at least, despite the many accommodation woes, the fear i won't do well or pull through my deadlines, that I had taken the leap.

So while these few months haven't exactly been very happy or productive academically---i am applying for funding etc so all my deadlines are messed up now---I have learnt and grown a lot, more perhaps, than if I had gone straight into student accommodation in UCL.

I haven't moved; clarification

2007-12-02T03:43:00.000-08:00

Hey guys and girls!

no, i haven't moved! thanks for the notes of concern... i am moving only after the 16th dec. teh reason is well, the tenancy for the other place only starts on 16th onwards, and i also, erm, she says sheepishly, am not very trusting at the moment. I haven't search as hard as I would have preferred but I got too many deadlines from now through the whole of december, so this new one seems ok... but I am scared of further shocks and prefer to move in 16th onwards as school at least ends by then...that will give me more time to deal...

Maybe i 'm being paranoid, after all, UCL has been great after the first false start, but i'm doing better the devil known' at this point in time. She's mad, but she doesn't seem violent so fine.

I hope you are all well, please regal me with news about yourselves! Once er, things calm down, i hope to be showing off lovely pictures of UK and exciting things I am up to! :)

I THINK i found another place

2007-11-30T12:12:00.001-08:00

I have just signed another agreement with another landlord. Cross fingers, i should be able to stay there until my MSc ends. I don't really want to be moving from house to house across London, grin, even though i feel like i am becoming an expert on London by now.
In fact, I can be a tour guide to Cambridge now (well, sort of, some parts anyway!), as well as some bits of North London, because of these frequent moves.

Let me tell you more about my new landlord. Er, he seems like a gentle person, he lives with his partner o the ground floor, and there are two staircases to the house. therefore, once you enter the same door, one staircase is for the tenants, the other for him.

I apparently share the top floor with this other guy, and downstairs two girls with whom i'll share the kitchen.

that's fine. the house, as i spoke to the tenants and landlord isn't a party house. Everyone cleans up after himself/herself---look i stayed with 3 boys in Germany in an appartment! believe, me, i don't want to be cleaning up plates all the time!---and the last thing i want to do is live with party animals who party at home. I'm fine with partying OUTSIDE but not in the house, as it should be a sanctuary of quiet.

I'm not jumping over the moon yet, the past few months have been, shall we say, weird. So thank goodness it's a one month notice contract, but which at least gives me some peace for the time being as i have gazillion of assignments at the moment. the best situation is really finding a group of student-friends to share a flat with, but i don't have the luxury of time now, so never mind.

If i am happy at my new location, you are welcome to bunk over :).

So for now, rushing my million deadlines. I have to put up with my current landlady who has just said that she has a friend coming over and the latest nonsense is that i have to stay out of the kitchen from 6ish onwards, which i think is just nuts, i can't even go down to get stuff out of the fridge. she goes on like a broken tape recorder every morning when she discovers I'm going to be indoors, look i go to sch 4 days and some days, i just need to clear my work in my room! and she whines on and one, it's ridiculous. nothing in our verbal or written agreement states that i can't stay in my room to clear my work and she knows i have tons of work to catch up on.

Never mind, things will become better i am sure :) Eventually. It's partly because i came so late, all the decent landlords would have been snapped up already, so i'm left with the leftovers!

Next year, I hope this blog will be filled with happy and interesting posts on different parts of UK and i hope to be regaling everyone with tales of leisure activities :)

take care, all!

These few months have just been... weird. Accommodation woes

2007-11-22T16:02:00.000-08:00

A quick update.

Yes, i'm settling well into UCL. i love the classes, am terribly sad i missed half a semester, since UCL ends teaching effectively in March (it's a scam for my money! no i don't mean the tutors are bad or lazy, i mean the structure of teaching and examination in ucl is designed to cut down on teaching!) i'm terribly late on ALL my assignments, and some are due in 2-3 weeks time which scares me badly, but well, i just have to get through things one thing at a time. I have even more pressing woes at the moment.

A new problem, though not entirely unanticipated, cropped up.

In my desperation and haste to move out of C, remember, i had to kick myself out of C quickly, i spent relatively quickly looking for accommodation. I found a landlady who seemed a little eccentric and rather blur i thought from first impressions, but nothing terribly alarming so i grabbed that and happily moved in last Monday.

Tuesday was when all the nonsense started. I was trying to defrost my frozen vegetables and left it in the microwave oven---which i used for 5 minutes---and went upstairs to do my things. She came back, and started saying, do you know how extravagant it is to cook vegetables in the microwave... why can't you use the gas? in exasperation...

i looked at her in confusion and said i used it only for 5 minutes to defrost the vegs. she calmed down a bit, but i was like. woah! that was an over-reaction, but decided maybe she had a bad day.

she also asked me various things about myself,and so i just ended up telling her that yes, my mum used to make me clean he floor everyday but we decided after a while it wasn't tenable so we got a househelp. she has a househelp too.

i have been telling her my room is freezing and she isnists that curtains will do the trick and she'll put them up during the weekend.

the next day, she told me something rather personal about herself, and the weekend was when the high drama started
on saturday, she went into my room a couple of times to measure the curtains and also was a little bit of the diva when i used the washing machine. we were in the house, but i was mostly in my room doing work, except when i came downstairs to the kitchen to fix myself food. it was during one of thse times we had to share the kitchen that she again asked me various questions, like whether i liked cats, why i didn't have a cat, so i just told her that my mum objected to cats being in the house as she felt they would dirty the house...she also said, i'm not as bad as your mum, right? i don't expect you to clean he house? i was like, wait a minute (this is ridiculous!). i said, courteously, in a neutral but firm tone, no, but you aren't my mother. that is dfferent. she said oh but we are housesharing and most times pp share the cleaning (i.e. bills etc ). i kept quiet, but alarm bells went off, as really, housesharing means we share everything in the house excpt the rooms. not quite what we hvae here---i am restricted to my room, some hours in the kitchen.

meanwhile, the contract which i asked for close to 2weeks ago, finally materialized with a lot more conditions that weren't stated beforehand.

Sunday, she spent HOURS puting up the rods and the curtains after she went out for a few hours in mid-morning and early afternoon. i too went out i offered to help which she refused. i thought that was strange. and besides, i really wasn't comfy with the idea she was in my room for so long without me being around. i started to get a sense she sort of looks too much at my stuff and i don't like it so i decided to do my work in my room as she did the curtains--which aren't complete up to now. she kept sayingi should go out.

Monday was kaboom time! i was in the upstairs toilet at 6.45 when i heard a knock. i came out to discover a client of hers... she does psychotherapy on mon-wed 5-8 at her house. at 8pm, she went ballistic. she said, you CHOOSE to use the toilet at the time when the woman needs it, for the first time, she was not able to go to the toilet! and so on. i stared at her in bewilderment and said, in the verbal and writtena greement you said not to make loud noises near your consultation area during those hours but nothng about the toilet!

then she ranted and raved, it went on to kitchen use. i was cooking and freezing about 3 -4 tupperwares. she went, and when do you expect to cook ? i thought you'll be eating in the university! i said, no way! it's too expensive! most postgraduates bring food to school! she went, ao you plan to cook the whole of sun and mon? i said, no i usually cook for an hour (that includes chopping up, frying ) and washing up for 1/2 hr, and i usually freeze enough for 3-4 meals! that means i cook at most twice a week. she said, no! what if i am around? i said, but i yesterday i used the kitchen when you weren't around! she yelled! how do you know how long i will be away for? i could have stepped out for a while! then i was like, but i asked you before i moved in whether there were kitchen or toilet restrictions and you said, none at all!

now her fridge has 4 shelves. i used the middle one and i asked before if i could use that smallest middle shelf to put my stuff and i checked her freezer it was okayish so i thought i'll use up a quarter. most landlords i speak to always will say, ok this will yr shelf as the tenant.

she went ballistic and said, no, i can't give you so much space, most of teh stuff aren't mine --i was like (what? hello1 i used only 1 shelf! the rest of the stuff was entirely heres! i wouldn've have ben so bold as to use half the fridge even especially when our relationship is not of equals sharing a flat but of tenant and landlord!)

then she said, and you are rude ! english people are polite and tactful! you aren't! i was like huh? you said your mum thinks cats are dirty! i went, but but you asked me why i can't keep cats at home! i didn;t say yr cat was dirty, nor did i say your home was dirty! how is that rude at all? she said, well, you should have censored the truth. what if your mum visits you? what do i do with the cat? i was like, erm, but if anyone visits me, they'll have to live with the cat? none of us are going to ill treat the cat at all!

so suddenly, i found myself with toilet and kitchen restrictments, screamed at, and the screaming went on.

and this was totally weird, when her stupid milk carton broke in the morning, which i discovered and i moped up the mess too! she knew as she left the damn thing before leaving for work. i cleared it!

she then went on.. you don't respectmy privacy! you are in the room and house too much! you told me you are in school on mon-wed! i said, no tues-thurs! but yes, you are in the huse on fri, sat, sun! that's too much! i'm used t living alone! i said, but most landlords if they wanted to restrict the number of hours tenants are to be in the house will make it clear they prefer someone who works 9-5 and who is never in! i warne dyou i have alot of deadlines and will have to spend a lot of time catching up with work in my room! she jus said! well, just go out and socialise! if you aren't, go back to singapore! why come to the uk if you are to stay in yr room, you skype don't you?---she heard me when i was talking to a friend regarding a essay coz she was in my room for hours!---and i was like, but i have to clear my work first! after that then will i start socialising! everyone i meet classmates, tutors, everyone is saying focus on yr work first1 you ahve too much to catch up on! even when pp want to invite me for drinks they'll go , erm, catch up first! i as weakly trying to explain to her and she went screaming on and on. i don't even know how you study! ( i was like, hello! it's my business!)

i said, do you want me to move out? i sense you aren't comfortable with me... she went, i'm the pyschotherapist! no one tell sme how i feel! and even if you run from this house, if you are going to coop yourself up, you'll never get out and socialise! you are too shy and afraid of the outside world!

nuts.

really nuts.

she went off to the supermarket after yelling at me, and then she came back. suddenly, she was polite and subdued. slightly sarcastic.

tuesday evening after her client went off i told her quietly that i wanted to terminate, however, i hope our undesrstanding coincide, that we both end on the 16 th dec, as i ust realise with her things can be ambiguous..

i am trying to look for another place now, but my budget is limited, and i an't find dog's kennel---too depressing---or filthy housemates or whatever. not good, when i have a gadzillion deadlines.

so anyway, yes, i'm alright, but you'd undersatnd the long silence now i guess.

when i find another accommodation, i'll let everyone know then. she says wearily.

Announcement

2007-11-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

I have transferred from C. to another university.

Yes, i know it comes as a shock, but well, the course syllabus at the other university suits me better and I figured it was better to discover it .now, lose half a term at the other university than to wait till the bitter end.

I'm alright but I would appreciate it if I am not asked or if the topic is raised at the moment, as my email boxes have been flooded, and I am trying frantically shift, get new accommodation, sign on for my modules when i am half a term late and so on at the moment. Am also very exhausted.

When I am more settled in my new university, course, etc I'll post again. For now, just up to my neck with the hassle of relocation and my email boxes are frightfully full!

Hope everyone is well!

2007-10-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

why are some pictures sideways? I have no idea. There are no options to reposition the pictures, so whatever. you all have to live with the some times sideways pictures. meanwhile, enjoy!

it's bitterly cold...

2007-10-21T16:38:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and could hardly bear to put my butt down on my bike. It was so horribly cold I had to put on my gloves just to hold the bike handles., and wondered if I was just bad at handling the weather.

Then, after church, talking to someone who exclaimed, it was terribly cold today! the weather went down to -4 last night and 4 this morning...

And being from a not so rich college---sigh, I am starting to understand why students take such an obsessive interest in the wealth, or lack thereof, of their colleges, because it affects your accommodation and college fees... maybe that explains why my heating is never quite warm and I find the undergraduate block much warmer than my own, and why I have to wear layers in my roon despite the heating.

ah well, she says philosophically. Autumn will turn into winter which once endured, will turn into spring, the warmth will come again, and then perhaps I'll miss the cold.

Some more pictures, one taken on, blushes, erm, what has been endowed with the name of org**m hill. Go figure. I still haven't figured out its proper name, because thats what all the students call it--it's not me! Reason is that erm, it gets steep really quickly and you go down very quickly on a point so cycling up is extremely slow going as you don't have the time to build up the momentum. Well, the British are risque, did you ever doubt that? Some of the colleges have been rechristianed some even more risque names.

So besides the daily exercise i get from cycling up and down, there's a smoother but longer way, so I rather traverse that tiny excuse of a hill..

Lovely, lovely paths

2007-10-15T05:56:00.001-07:00

This made me happy today , enough said. I have also discovered the art of wearing a skirt and riding a bike! All my lovely comfy long skirts cannot be worn, simply because they would get caught in my bike---which is a bit too high for me, me thinks---so a lovely green skirt given by one of the nicest optometrists around, wink---is the only candidate which presents itself...

The trick is to wear black stockings, high boots and voila! i'm off on my bike! Speaking of which, I don't feel safe on this newly acquired green bike. He/She does not make me feel secure the way Elda did. Something about the bike control...

The luckiest girl in the world

2007-10-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

This is what I see when i cycle home. It may not mean much to you, but it does to me, as trees soothe me so magnificently whenever I am feeling frazzled or under the weather.
As for why the photos appear sideways? I have no idea. I am a luddite, sometimes, so I can't help you here.

Leaves

2007-10-14T06:19:00.001-07:00

If I could and had to choose, to be something other than a human being...
I would want to be an autumnal leaf, to go off in a blaze, to never go 'gently into the night' of winter (Dylan Thomas)...

I was talking to this person I met at church and giving squeals of delight as I saw the leaves drifting down. She looked, laughed and said, if you want to you have to quickly take photographs before they all fall over the next few days.

Thus, i rushed home, grabbed my camera and started frantically taking these pictures---the work has to wait, the weather can't!

Autumn

2007-10-12T10:00:00.001-07:00

Autumn has a beauty that is entirely her own. The glorious reds, yellows and greens, all in a blaze of glory...

It was such joy to take a quick run outside. I have been working in my room all afternoon, and was growing increasingly weary of my readings---oh the points were good enough, but I was so weary of the pedantic way it was written...i am still, alas, a literature student, and I cannot read something that isn't lyrically expressed. I wish I could, but how something is expressed mattters so very much to me, for better or worse...

Then running pellmell, as fast as I could, as I was wearing nothing more than thin shorts and my usual runner's attire...i am still washing my own clothes at the moment and not bringing them to the ..oh so far washing machines (i am shockingly and strangely lazy!) into the thick layers of leaves...

Cambridge is very beautiful. There is something about the pretty English countryside, the leave-covered trees, that makes me wish I would be here next September to see summer slide into autumn...

Apart from other small scraps I have found myself in, I am content and happy, if for the short lived euphoria of seeing such beauty!

My voice!

2007-10-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

I want my voice back, and am upset.

I woke up one day with my voice gone, but absolutely no other symptoms... Yes i had sinus 2-3 weeks ago, and i have not been resting, but I never had this so bad before---it always came with horrible aching pain in my throat--which was strangely comforting as i knew when the ache went away, i would recover, and certainly not like this, where I function perfectly ok otherwise, except for my voice. I think clearly---except for a slight exhaustion-driven headache---and have no stuffed nose or otherwise.

I don't even have a cough anymore. I had severe cough a while back, but really, not like this, voice gone completely harsh, flat, breathy and raspy. I can't even form words properly.

I don't mind if this is for a few days', but i never had such an inexplicable loss of voice, and I hate the sounds that come out now. I want to be able to sing and laugh once again and not talk like this, I feel like a robot.

Having a low sexy voice...

2007-10-08T13:36:00.001-07:00

Imagine a low sexy voice... As I laughingly said to a course and college mate, yes, I sound utterly seductive now... I have lost my voice. It's gone husky and low.

My body is protesting but I really can't stop now...now when I do have to do so many things, like searching for er, of all things, stationery, online...I have to economise!

But never mind about that. I attended two lectures for the first time today and enjoyed them thoroughly. The two 'heavy weights' were surprisingly clear, and I feel, and wish, I did do undergraduate studies in A. here, for I would be so horrifyingly erudite...the lectures do actually give a roadmap into the past and present theorists within the field, even if they don't give enough information for you to use properly in your essays.

On the social front, I have started to make friends with coursemates and college mates, which is always a good thing. There was tremendous laughter at dinner---when I could produce any sound anyway!

Orientation

2007-10-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

Punting is gloriously fun.

This afternoon the MCR organised this punt expedition to Granchester, the prettiest ever village that's about 1/2 hr walk away from Cambridge, which took us about 2 hours to punt there as we kept investigating the banks, the trees... oh fine! we just kept zigzagging instead of going straight.

We then had scones and tea on deckchairs...how very English...afterwhich i elected to run back to see if I can order a printer a printer online which was sadly out of stock. I have just been charged 11 pounds by the college for a print job which should have been no more than 3-4 pounds and frankly 3 dollars at most at home and I suspect it's because the college printer kept jamming and though nothing came out, these messed up print jobs were considered as completed print jobs.

still it's alarming as I can easily buy 2-3 books for the costs of the small stack of printed reading lists! and I am thinking of buying my own printer now though I am not sure that's going to be much better.

Apart from that, I am going to start looking for a non-audition choral group as I want to keep up with music, considering language lessons, as well as a host of other things. I don't want to be horribly friendless in cambridge during the long vacations, since Cambridge runs on intensive termdates!

I am hoping to get on with actually living here in Cambridge, rather than spending any more time trying to orientate myself, as I want to actually start living, if that makes any sense!

So far the MCR (read Middle Common Room: postgraduates)---short explanation here----Colleges communities are divided into JCR, MCR and SCR (fellows/lecturers)---have been very good with organising fun activities---at least the few i attended!

Coming down to earth again...

2007-10-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

It was my first day back into reality----i ran into a classmate last night at dinner at the cafeteria...and realised that I was somehow not in the administrator's mailing list, and hence did not realise that there was a reading list with the attendant books to be chased down!

Thank goodness we did agree to go to the library together in the morning, as I quickly realised that the Cambridge libraries are labyrinths in themselves. Umberto Eco's Name of the Rose must have been inspired by either Cambridge's or perhaps Oxford's library.

Yes, virtually every book you would want would be there, BUT, aha! whether it is available is another issue! First we ran to the university library where we couldn't find the books we wanted, then we ran to the Social Political Sciences library which wasnt opened I think, and at the different libraries, books have already been borrowed and so on.

And photocopying is insanely expensive...it's all of 6 pence per page...and I spent 8 pounds on basically a stack I have have photocopied for no more than 2 dollars at home, even at 5 cents per page! I can cut down on food expenditure, but not photocopying! I nearly died when I discovered things I really need were going at 6-8 pounds when i usually pay no more than 2-3 dollars at home! I only wish i had the foresight to ship my whole house over.

And I am beginning to see why students brought up along the American system would hate UK, as I realise how very spoilt we are by our American lecturers, who would have photocopied all our readings for us in a folder, or even send them down to the photocopying shop before the module begins, so we don't have to run around chasing readings!

It feels like my dept seems somewhat disorganised and needlessly time-wasting , from what I can see, as there's usually only 1 copy of a book in the A. library and we 20ish fools fight with the undergraduates for the same book and run around to the different libraries within the university complex chasing after one or two articles...I am beginning to see why American students are complaining! Nonetheless, I shan't complain, at least for the moment as I pretty like the feel of the tutors; they seem genuinely nice, I don't mean expressively friendly and open but nice enough so oh well! that's life... I wish I had my undergraduate library back with me, simply as no one does this subject and I usually get the books I want, if they exist in the library, when I want it!

Speaking of food...I have this absurd liking for hot food nowadays and I dislike cold salads now, simply because it is so cold! Mum would be amused to know I drink only hot water these days, hey---at least I regulate according to the temperature! And I love oyster sauce... great things for stirfrying...I am a big rice-eater now...so what's up with the asian palate now... well, nothing much, just that I am trying to space out eating at the cafeteria, which only runs 3 times a day, one hour each time during the 8-week term time, but I don't want to be at the stage when I start hating Cambridge because i have had too much 'Western' food.

So how's Cambridge so far? well, I have been busy running around and worrying everyday about the ahem, extra projects I have to complete by December. I hope I manage my time such that I get to join at least some activities tomorrow, as I don't particularly want to be friendless...as my favourite old man said before, It does not do to dwell on dreams [and if I may add to his words, or ambitions, or work!] and forget to live!" chuckle...

I guess I have been busy running around just clearing things, and when I get back to my room, I am horribly exhausted, so exhausted I just want to clear the necessary stuff and crawl into my bed, since I am carrying a few months' sleep debt---i actually fell asleep at the library whilst doing my first reading!----but oh well!

We'll see! So far, many people I have met are rather human and friendly, except for a few pretentious skulls who exist everywhere anyway, so it's a good start!

Settling down

2007-10-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the journal. I thought it was much easier to post everything here for you to read at your leisure and thereby keep in touch. You are welcome to post in this journal. Just click 'comment' and leave yr initials, and i should be able to figure out who you are. Try not to leave your full name..I dislike too much web presence, so everything else will be with initials anyway.

I have been busy of late, no, not hobnobbing with people, even, but really, getting my living arrangements out of the way. It's extraordinary to think of the sheer number of things that i find difficult to get here!

I will start with the.. as usual, trust HER to do these things...Over the past few days, i managed to, let's see, buy a second hand bicycle--well she won't replace Elda, since Elda is my first bike, and like all first loves, more memorable than the rest for that reason, so Elda will just have to be contented with being remembered but not being used!----even before I set up my bank account, and lost...my bike lock within 1 day. I got one of those horribly expensive u-locks, as Cambridge has the highest bike theft rates in the whole of UK, and it must have fallen out of it's bracket as i cycled home in the dark last night.

you can imagine how distressed i was, not just the cost of the U chain--which makes me wince when I think about it---but the possibility that I might lose my bike. Well, I asked my college porter where to hide the bike until the next morning, and just hoped/prayed it will be fine, and was extremely relieved to see this morning that it hasn't been nicked.

Horribly distressed, i decided to cook enough for 4 more meals to freeze instead of doing my academic work, so i am once more, behind schedule. Well, cooking is very therapeutic!

Ah well, I never had luck with my first lock, methinks. T'was the same with Elda's first lock.. i er, locked myself out, and had to cut the lock to get her free. maybe after this, this new bike and I will get along well, though--with a reassuring look in Elda's direction---never to quite replace Elda.

So far, I have been busy with random things like running around like a headless chicken looking for random things like my contact lens solution which cannot be found here---maybe it's just cambridge!---and opening bank accounts, getting clothes hangers to do my laundry, and stuff. I am very grateful that this other friend who lives in London frogmarched me to get some items, because if she didn't start me earlier, I probably would have had to lug more things. So thank you, you know who you are.

Apart from that, I have been happy and well, just rather fatigued as time is racing on and I am even more behind schedule than ever and it's making me panic, since the course has started proper. Trying to clear the necessary things out of the way so I can actually start living in cambridge , and focus on things like socialising---i should actually, since I have been doing alot of things myself as I get irritated when there are so many random things like no soap or washing liquid around the house---yes, i know i should have come earlier to do these things like many other students but never mind now!---and actually starting on work. I think I got a supervisor I want :)... at least on paper, she seems the closest match to my research interests than the rest who seem to do exotic societies like Mongolia and Tibet---Cambridge is THE leading centre for the study of Mongolia and other exotic places..I chattered to her at top-speed yesterday when I was introduced to her as I was so excited and relieved to be matched to her... partly as I was afraid to be palmed off to a supervisor who was not interested... She seemed genuinely interested in knowing more about me, and rather pleased I am at Girton, since she's at Girton as well, so it seems like a good start.

So far, from the past 2 days short interaction with the faculty, they seem genuinely nice, down to earth, and very accessible... a litle bit shocking as so many of them are real heavy weights in anthropology of socialism, russia, mongolia, inner asia studies, but they all seem very reassuring and keen to help us on our academic journeys.

I am hoping now to carve out my time wisely and to balance between my impulse to hurry and get the living things out of the way, and some academic work done for my future research plans, and even the cambridge requirements, and yes, making time to socialise.

hope everyone is well:)