Anger

I am very, very, very angry. 

Clearing my room just hours before i went for a marvellish rehearsal on Elgar, but more of than another time, i stumbled upon a GP generic notice to all women to be tested for HPV...and which is personalized...asking me to kindly make an appointment. 

A few months ago, I remember discussing  "should all young British women be vaccinated against HPV" in one of my sociology of science classes that i was auditing. I read about a mother's response...she was infuriated at the idea that her twelve year old may have a vaccination even when she may not even be sexually active...on the premise that she will PROBABLY be sexually active very soon.

I'm to say the least, enraged.

Sexual education is ALWAYS ideological. Don't give me the bullshit that only the conservative "abstinence" message is ideological as if the oh teach them protection methods isn't.

Don't be so dishonest. 

I find it grievous that the inability to govern one's sexual urges is seen as normal, and to govern it is to be unnatural and to go against nature. 

So? How about obesity? Anorexia? suddenly that becomes "oh fat women are attractive" becomes a cultural issue, whilst sexual issues are all heeding nature's bidding, which is well and good, and unrepressive.

So explain to me. You don't feel like going to school, you don't feel like going to work, you don't flipping feel like brushing your teeth but well, you just have to go against your natural urges. but that's ok.

And to think that we should rather intervene by vaccinating young women instead of teaching them to control themselves seems, frankly, presposterous to me.

Look, sexual education doesn't have abstinence, and pretend as if all forms of protection don't exist, or just teach about methods as if they are super effective, and ignore abstinence. 

there is a middle way.  The reality is that all forms of protection can never be 100%; and if sexual education is really to be truly effective, it has to be honest with the kids as well...condoms exist, yes, but they do fail. And HPV whilst controllable, is never completely curable. 

and HPV and Chlamydia can cause infertility. And oh by the way, your kiddies can be infected or born prematurely.

For goodness' sake: if you have a child, dont you want the best possible future for your kid? physically, free of STDS, emotionally brought up by stable parents who can commit to proper care rather than born out of a tryst because they were too juvenile to control their urges.  Wont you want to be sure you and your partner are both equally capable of caring for your child? 

I think the difference between a child and and adult is this: the child knows nothing apart from instant gratification, the adult should know how to think of longer term consequences. 

Then again, there are people who want to have kids because they want to have kids to fulfil themselves without thinking through the consequences for their children. Fine.

But it sickens me that when we don't equip our children with knowledge, we expose them ...imagine a twelve year old worrying about warts caused by STDS, fearful of pregnancy or having to go through an abortion.

don't get me wrong...i don't take the hardline abortion is absolutely evil. but I think, when we don't teach our children what it means to say, wait, decide on yr sexual activity LATER. WAIT...we do them a disservice.

Why am i on this topic? well, because you know, i see posters on tubes about the rates of various STDs, she says flippantly...

Mentorship

Women (and men) need good mentors. 

That's my firm belief.

I realized that i have been lucky in that i have encountered very good female mentors along the way, some have passed me by briefly, others have been and continue to play an important role in my life. 

The women I know are very self-sufficient, goal and career oriented, without sacrificing their family life. 

And so that helps me, even without us talking about this explicitly, helps me situate my life. I sort of "pick up" what i think is important for a child to have, what is the best way of handling relationships, and how to think for the long term.

Are these vital, unspoken skills that are necessary? 

I think so. I guess because I move in a few circles here so far...and some people i do know here, perhaps not well, but their lives are hugely messy..and it sort of shocks me. like why don't they think for the long term? that sort of thing. 

I'm grateful i have had to keep me on the sensible route...not explicitly, but throgh their lives...they give me role models to aspire too.

Someone i met in the course of my research once told me... I think you make an awesome role model for younger women.  my housemate said the same thing to me too.

I don't think so. I have met more amazing women but i do realise..yes that is what i can aspire to. Being an awesome woman who handles life, my life well, such that other young women won't mess around with their own lives...

Uncommon friendships

i have read a fantastic article of late... celebrating friendship.

It definitely strikes a chord in me, because i've been asked several times before if i'm a lesbian or whatever.

for the record, no. i'm not even bisexual, and no it certainly isn't because i'm afraid of social stigmas or whatever to come out of the closet.

BUT, i do think there's something very boxing in about wanting all relationships to be clustered with the underlying expectations of sexual desire.

But why? must all relationships be read through the prisms of sexual desire? can i not, just simply care and love my friends, whatever sexual orientation or gender they are, even if i don't share their sexual orientation. Tis strange.

i can imagine myself in a set up like these two friends...living with a friend, and yet, not engaged in a relationship with the close friend i live with. 

but maybe tha'ts just me!

variations on a theme

I know i'm slightly repetitive, but i'm on the theme of men-women again.

I guess what sparked it is that Obama won! :), yippee! and if you ask me, i think Michelle played an enormous role.

Michelle is an equal in every sense of the word to her husband, and i'm now really believing in female power.

it's odd. i would never had identified myself as a card-carrying feminist just a while ago, but now, i think i'm definitely a feminist.

don't get me wrong: i certainly don't hate men. I have lots of male friends whom i respect greatly and whom i'm fond of. But the truth of the matter is that the older i grow, the more greatly i respect women: especially the ones i meet who juggle motherhood, wifehood, a job and other passions. so difficult, so tough, and yet they pull it off well.

i'm going to be such a cool woman too!

on a more extended meditation, i have to say that it seems to me, alot of men are real idiots. (caveat: i am VERY fond of my platonic male friends!) but i guess, the year's stay in London has honestly put me off somewhat. I've been so constantly picked up, even in the damn supermarkets i'm getting fed up...look it's so cold i'm swaddled in clothes! i have no idea... is it desperation? are men really that socially inept that they don't know how to fulfil their emotional needs elsewhere? if it just sex... hey, there are other ways...

but it's true. i'm beginning to see that men are honestly simpler than women. they are biologicaly driven, i have no idea whether to pity or feel annoyed.

It's like, huh? how come men are so single minded? women can look at men and decide whether they are either friends, or potential partners, men on the other hand, i have come to realize, once they go down the track of being attracted, they either want to push ahead, or then make things so awkward and ugly that friendship is no longer possible. it's weird because if i examine my feelings, i can easily see a few men that i could, in other circumstances, be attracted to, but because they are already attached or whatever, no, and i respect them enough to want to keep this a healthy, clean, platonic friendship. but i would be disgusted with myself or with them if either of us tried to push it to something more, because it devalues the friendship.

i think i'll settle for pity, remaining cautious but not wall myself in.

men are so strange!

Music making

I just came back from two rehearsals and it was great fun, especially the one of Elgar's the music Makers. Gosh i so love music :) and London has been absolutely brilliant in giving me more opportunities for music! :)

I came back wishing i didn't have to go home or leave london, i almost want to stay in london just for the music-opportunities... what a silly little goose i can be!

 

women i admire

It's often said that women hold up half the sky, but this week alone has showed me the kind of woman i want to grow old into. I have had an awesome week in Boston, NYC, and in St. Albans. Plenty of travelling and lots of things to think about.

I had so much fun visiting Boston and NY for the first time. it also exploded my own prejudices and biases against America, in a way i would never have expected. I loved Boston and New york so much!

i met my old professor, the person who inspired me to think of academia as a real possibility for myself. She's an amazing woman. she has two toddlers, juggling a new job now, and I know from experience she's an awesome teacher, and a great person to boot. Very kind, but not a wishy washy personality.

then the weekend when i went to St Albans and stayed over at a choir member's house, someone whom i have never talked to earlier, and i found that i really liked what i saw of her. 

Digging around the history of the choir i realized there were a couple of women who kept the choir going for...16 years!

to say i admire them for their grit, determination, commitment is saying the least. when you contextualize it against the background of them being mothers, holding down professional careers, and keeping this going even though they don't live nearby, it says something about the kind of friendships they have built up, and the kind of persons they are.

I know what kind of professor i want to grow up into: kind, personable, a good scholar, and yet someone who juggles all these things well. :)

Singing!

Ok i have decided i definitely want graduate school if possible... for the simple reason that there's tons of choir and music dos i can join! 

i am going to be in three things for the next few months. next week, i'm doing beethoven's symphony 9th, i'm doing some other lithurgical music, and i'm also signed up for charpentier...

it's even more fun than attending classical music concerts! whee! graduate school, i'm aiming for you!