Anger

I am very, very, very angry. 

Clearing my room just hours before i went for a marvellish rehearsal on Elgar, but more of than another time, i stumbled upon a GP generic notice to all women to be tested for HPV...and which is personalized...asking me to kindly make an appointment. 

A few months ago, I remember discussing  "should all young British women be vaccinated against HPV" in one of my sociology of science classes that i was auditing. I read about a mother's response...she was infuriated at the idea that her twelve year old may have a vaccination even when she may not even be sexually active...on the premise that she will PROBABLY be sexually active very soon.

I'm to say the least, enraged.

Sexual education is ALWAYS ideological. Don't give me the bullshit that only the conservative "abstinence" message is ideological as if the oh teach them protection methods isn't.

Don't be so dishonest. 

I find it grievous that the inability to govern one's sexual urges is seen as normal, and to govern it is to be unnatural and to go against nature. 

So? How about obesity? Anorexia? suddenly that becomes "oh fat women are attractive" becomes a cultural issue, whilst sexual issues are all heeding nature's bidding, which is well and good, and unrepressive.

So explain to me. You don't feel like going to school, you don't feel like going to work, you don't flipping feel like brushing your teeth but well, you just have to go against your natural urges. but that's ok.

And to think that we should rather intervene by vaccinating young women instead of teaching them to control themselves seems, frankly, presposterous to me.

Look, sexual education doesn't have abstinence, and pretend as if all forms of protection don't exist, or just teach about methods as if they are super effective, and ignore abstinence. 

there is a middle way.  The reality is that all forms of protection can never be 100%; and if sexual education is really to be truly effective, it has to be honest with the kids as well...condoms exist, yes, but they do fail. And HPV whilst controllable, is never completely curable. 

and HPV and Chlamydia can cause infertility. And oh by the way, your kiddies can be infected or born prematurely.

For goodness' sake: if you have a child, dont you want the best possible future for your kid? physically, free of STDS, emotionally brought up by stable parents who can commit to proper care rather than born out of a tryst because they were too juvenile to control their urges.  Wont you want to be sure you and your partner are both equally capable of caring for your child? 

I think the difference between a child and and adult is this: the child knows nothing apart from instant gratification, the adult should know how to think of longer term consequences. 

Then again, there are people who want to have kids because they want to have kids to fulfil themselves without thinking through the consequences for their children. Fine.

But it sickens me that when we don't equip our children with knowledge, we expose them ...imagine a twelve year old worrying about warts caused by STDS, fearful of pregnancy or having to go through an abortion.

don't get me wrong...i don't take the hardline abortion is absolutely evil. but I think, when we don't teach our children what it means to say, wait, decide on yr sexual activity LATER. WAIT...we do them a disservice.

Why am i on this topic? well, because you know, i see posters on tubes about the rates of various STDs, she says flippantly...

Mentorship

Women (and men) need good mentors. 

That's my firm belief.

I realized that i have been lucky in that i have encountered very good female mentors along the way, some have passed me by briefly, others have been and continue to play an important role in my life. 

The women I know are very self-sufficient, goal and career oriented, without sacrificing their family life. 

And so that helps me, even without us talking about this explicitly, helps me situate my life. I sort of "pick up" what i think is important for a child to have, what is the best way of handling relationships, and how to think for the long term.

Are these vital, unspoken skills that are necessary? 

I think so. I guess because I move in a few circles here so far...and some people i do know here, perhaps not well, but their lives are hugely messy..and it sort of shocks me. like why don't they think for the long term? that sort of thing. 

I'm grateful i have had to keep me on the sensible route...not explicitly, but throgh their lives...they give me role models to aspire too.

Someone i met in the course of my research once told me... I think you make an awesome role model for younger women.  my housemate said the same thing to me too.

I don't think so. I have met more amazing women but i do realise..yes that is what i can aspire to. Being an awesome woman who handles life, my life well, such that other young women won't mess around with their own lives...

Uncommon friendships

i have read a fantastic article of late... celebrating friendship.

It definitely strikes a chord in me, because i've been asked several times before if i'm a lesbian or whatever.

for the record, no. i'm not even bisexual, and no it certainly isn't because i'm afraid of social stigmas or whatever to come out of the closet.

BUT, i do think there's something very boxing in about wanting all relationships to be clustered with the underlying expectations of sexual desire.

But why? must all relationships be read through the prisms of sexual desire? can i not, just simply care and love my friends, whatever sexual orientation or gender they are, even if i don't share their sexual orientation. Tis strange.

i can imagine myself in a set up like these two friends...living with a friend, and yet, not engaged in a relationship with the close friend i live with. 

but maybe tha'ts just me!

variations on a theme

I know i'm slightly repetitive, but i'm on the theme of men-women again.

I guess what sparked it is that Obama won! :), yippee! and if you ask me, i think Michelle played an enormous role.

Michelle is an equal in every sense of the word to her husband, and i'm now really believing in female power.

it's odd. i would never had identified myself as a card-carrying feminist just a while ago, but now, i think i'm definitely a feminist.

don't get me wrong: i certainly don't hate men. I have lots of male friends whom i respect greatly and whom i'm fond of. But the truth of the matter is that the older i grow, the more greatly i respect women: especially the ones i meet who juggle motherhood, wifehood, a job and other passions. so difficult, so tough, and yet they pull it off well.

i'm going to be such a cool woman too!

on a more extended meditation, i have to say that it seems to me, alot of men are real idiots. (caveat: i am VERY fond of my platonic male friends!) but i guess, the year's stay in London has honestly put me off somewhat. I've been so constantly picked up, even in the damn supermarkets i'm getting fed up...look it's so cold i'm swaddled in clothes! i have no idea... is it desperation? are men really that socially inept that they don't know how to fulfil their emotional needs elsewhere? if it just sex... hey, there are other ways...

but it's true. i'm beginning to see that men are honestly simpler than women. they are biologicaly driven, i have no idea whether to pity or feel annoyed.

It's like, huh? how come men are so single minded? women can look at men and decide whether they are either friends, or potential partners, men on the other hand, i have come to realize, once they go down the track of being attracted, they either want to push ahead, or then make things so awkward and ugly that friendship is no longer possible. it's weird because if i examine my feelings, i can easily see a few men that i could, in other circumstances, be attracted to, but because they are already attached or whatever, no, and i respect them enough to want to keep this a healthy, clean, platonic friendship. but i would be disgusted with myself or with them if either of us tried to push it to something more, because it devalues the friendship.

i think i'll settle for pity, remaining cautious but not wall myself in.

men are so strange!

Music making

I just came back from two rehearsals and it was great fun, especially the one of Elgar's the music Makers. Gosh i so love music :) and London has been absolutely brilliant in giving me more opportunities for music! :)

I came back wishing i didn't have to go home or leave london, i almost want to stay in london just for the music-opportunities... what a silly little goose i can be!

 

women i admire

It's often said that women hold up half the sky, but this week alone has showed me the kind of woman i want to grow old into. I have had an awesome week in Boston, NYC, and in St. Albans. Plenty of travelling and lots of things to think about.

I had so much fun visiting Boston and NY for the first time. it also exploded my own prejudices and biases against America, in a way i would never have expected. I loved Boston and New york so much!

i met my old professor, the person who inspired me to think of academia as a real possibility for myself. She's an amazing woman. she has two toddlers, juggling a new job now, and I know from experience she's an awesome teacher, and a great person to boot. Very kind, but not a wishy washy personality.

then the weekend when i went to St Albans and stayed over at a choir member's house, someone whom i have never talked to earlier, and i found that i really liked what i saw of her. 

Digging around the history of the choir i realized there were a couple of women who kept the choir going for...16 years!

to say i admire them for their grit, determination, commitment is saying the least. when you contextualize it against the background of them being mothers, holding down professional careers, and keeping this going even though they don't live nearby, it says something about the kind of friendships they have built up, and the kind of persons they are.

I know what kind of professor i want to grow up into: kind, personable, a good scholar, and yet someone who juggles all these things well. :)

Singing!

Ok i have decided i definitely want graduate school if possible... for the simple reason that there's tons of choir and music dos i can join! 

i am going to be in three things for the next few months. next week, i'm doing beethoven's symphony 9th, i'm doing some other lithurgical music, and i'm also signed up for charpentier...

it's even more fun than attending classical music concerts! whee! graduate school, i'm aiming for you!

what have i been up to?

This is one of my hobbies... yes yes i should get started on my other chores but i need a break! isn't this absolutely pwetty?

calmness

i've lost about half of savings just over a few months, let's say it's such a huge amount because it take me up to a year to save, and which was intended to pay back a loan. but i'm surprisingly calm, because i understand this is simply life...i've lost alot but i haven't lost everything...one hopes, since my transaction will only return my guess in 2 weeks time. 

but the main thing is: i'm still healthy. i'm in one piece, and in anycase, that's life. life IS like that. there are ups and downs, and at present, i have enough food in my mouth clothes for my back! 

Which brings me back to whatever i've been concerned about. my main goal, as i have said to someone very dear to me for years, is that i have friends i grow old with. i want meaningful relationships... people whose funerals i'll go to and who will go to mine, friends who will have kids and whose children i hope to watch grow up, enough to pay the bills, laugh with and all, and engage in a job i enjoy. time and love to give to those dear to me.

but in order to get there, ill have to survive the next close to decade of years. i am making big switches, almost impossible leaps, but these leaps have to be made, because this will affect my career paths for the next decades, and will have spill on effects on my life, my relationships, my capacity to become more independent financially.. and so to work, and i'll stay calm.

i'm grateful for life, and joy, and for Bach:)

Life goals

"you are actually quite naive, aren't you? i work on guilty till proven innocent...thats why you get into trouble with people!"

i'm tired. i have been told by umpteenth friends that i'm too trusting and naive about people...

but i really don't want to live on suspicion. how can i live this way? what kind of life is this if i'm constantly suspicious of people telling me half-truths... i can't live like that.

financially, i'm worried about money, and worried about my future, everything seems to collide together, but i also understand something...

i can't control everything. i'll just have to tae that leap of faith, and take all the careful steps i have been doing already. 

one side of me feels extremely guilty...i'm twenty-eight, i wish i could take over the financial responsibilities but there's another side of my brain that also says, no, there's at least decades more for me to do so... so just stay the course and focus on my other plans because that could mean that later on i can fulfil my financial responsibilities and earn my living. 

more pictures of dover

i'm slacking a bit... i'm entitled... i just handed in my dissertation and i surely deserve a tiny break.. )

here's more pictures of Dover and my first time plucking and eating wildblueberries...

isn't it lovely?

beautiful dover

I always fantasized of going to dover beach, simply because i read dover beach during my A levels.

i was fortunate, it was indeed a lovely day!

What i see when i go joggin in London

Autumn has come at last... my favourite season.

Oddly enough, last year, i was sad that i won't be here to experience autumn...or so i thought. Then i was still in C, and i did not think i would be transferring. 

indeed , as of today, i have passed the one-year mark in the UK :), but most of it has been spent indoors...goodness gracious me.. well there was the transfer which meant i had to catch up on half a term's worth of work. One of the tutors at UCL looked at me disbelieving and said he had no idea how i was going to catch up..oh well, i did score a provisional distinction for the work i handed into him.

My tutor asked me a few days ago whether i regretted the transfer. Well, no, not exactly. and anyway the die has been cast, and any regret would be fruitless.

I have enjoyed my studies immensely---the dept was extremely supportive, or rather the graduate tutor has been wonderful. he helped me clear the administrative roadblocks for me to get another dept's module counted into my workload and thus allowed me to take classes in another dept, he gave me the extensions i needed earlier due to my transfer and he even stored my things for a while when i was frantically looking for new accommodation when i was faced with a crazy landlord.

i have stayed for 9 months in this current house, and i'm very, very, very happy. my landlord is fabulous and i get along well with him...hence i'm trying to stay on in this house.

but anyway, here are some pictures of autumn's glory when i go jogging..i have no money to explore the delights of london lah...

relationships

I haven't blogged for a long time, i know, but tis coz i have been busy with my dissertation which I have just handed in, and my sleeping schedule is completely messed up, so i thought i'll blog instead about something that's bothering me, and i'll just recycle this in the future.

1. I really don't do casual relationships or getting into a relationship for its own sake, and no matter how many times you repeat that you think I'm beautiful and attractive or how similar we seem to be, it has  no effect on me. ABSOLUTELY. Please bugger off.

2. When i give you my friendship, when i try to live with integrity and not string you along, and am utterly honest with you, please don't exploit it. It hurts me very deeply. I don't open myself up that easily, despite all my outward friendliness. As my closest friends observe, i'm deeply private with my emotions. So when I open up and give you my trust and allow you access to the more thoughtful and personal side rather than the madly happy persona, I do so in trust. Don't exploit and turn that trust against me, to get whatever you want out of me: attention, affection, time etc etc. Yes, i know men and women string each other along. I despise that sort of behaviour because i think it's hurtful and i never want to live like that. That is PRECISELY why i refuse to enter into relationships for its own sake. If after observing and knowing you for some time and I feel that we aren't the right person for each other in terms of personal qualities, life goals and attitudes, I refuse that because i simply don't want either person to get hurt. but in return, i expect the same consideration for another person... not just for me, but for others. 

this is definitely a difficult path. We often ground our identities in how attractive we are to others, physically or otherwise, or how desirable we are. In addition, people do hurt us and string us along. But when will this cycle end? only if we choose NOT to perpetuate it. and that's my choice.

I'd rather be a crazy cat-lady all my life. I don't see having a relationship a marker of my value as a person. 

3. If you have chosen to express your interest in me, and i decline it by hinting or making it clear i just want to be friends, i DO want to be friends. Most of the time, I have always cared for you...as a friend. I do not look at every male friend of mine as a potential partner or sperm donor; most of the time I see you as a person whom I might just want to get to know... as a interesting human being. It also takes me a really long time to be attracted to someone.. and no i'm not talking weeks! i need to see and know you in a variety of contexts before I will even consider dating you. 

so i'm conservative or ridiculous. deal with it. if you can't play ball, find someone else. I have never said or believed that i'm the most attractive person in the entire universe...and if you find someone you like, good for you! i'll always be happy for you. But i do believe in my own self-worth, and that means i won't sell myself short for someone I can't see a future with either out of practical considerations (sorry I don't do star-crossed lovers act), or that I somehow don't see our characters in a situation where we can actually compromise on certain things and make a plausible, realistic and happy future. Do i believe in the idea of someone who's right for me in everyway? eh no. But there ARE some qualities i won't compromise on, and it goes beyond religion or educational status etc.

4. I honestly respect my men friends who accept that i don't want a relationship,and yet stay friends with me. I don't jerk people around, and i would never ever laugh or sneer at you in front of you or behind your back for being attracted to me, because we can't help attraction, but we can choose how we act on it. But it's very hard for me to stay friends when you don't accept my nos, and it makes me want to avoid you.

Am i against relationships? NO! but there are certain non-negotiables, and i do expect certain qualities, because I do see it as a lifelong thing and because i know myself well, what I will find tolerable, what i won't, what I will find livable with after the romantic haze dissipates, what i won't. I'm simply trying to save everyone hurt and pain, so please respect that, and you know, we can stay friends for life! I'm just so tired of having to fend off four men all within one week!

what i don't believe in

All the things that make monogamy a success are, in their nature, un-dramatic things: the silent growth of an instinctive confidence, the common wounds and victories, the accumulation of customs, the rich maturing of old jokes. (p. 191)---Chesterton

i hesitated for some time before putting this up, but i guess i need to spew.

as an academic, i'm pretty openminded. but where me, the person, where i am concerned...pulleeeaze. if you aren't interested in monogamy and lifelong marital arrangements and are open to ah, alternative arrangements, puuuleezzze GO AWAY!

i'm virulently old-fashioned, hey, i probably score on the right wing bible belt conservative. so...

i guess it's the shock of looking around, and realizing that open relationships are everywhere! i don't have a problem with my friends engaging in these things, but if you are looking for a friends with benefits and whatever where I am concerned, GOOOOOO away. i'm not available!

in fact, just to prove how damn right winged i have become, go to...
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/davescolumns/Feb07/

Howdy everyone! i am sorry for not writing for such a long time :) so here's my mug shot in case you all forget how i look like! preen..

i'm well. i just finished a spate of exams, been lazing about and trying to kick my ass about getting some work done. boo hoo.

at the moment, some updates on my happy little life. i went to the cotswolds yesterday. very, very pretty! slightly marred experience because of an idiot of a german guy who thought he was charmingly witty but was just plain rude and obnoxious. what idiots men can be at times, but luckily, an englishwoman rescued me:) but the fields of goldishly yellow flowers rae pretty, aren't they? we even had to cross a tiny bridge that fell in, so i had to grasp some stinging nettles which left my hand. tingling till now.

heh. so what have i been up to so far? well i have done a road trip! whee! for the first time and what fun! i need to learn driving so i can do road trips next time! apart from that, i have been lazing, going for a few concerts== a well-deserved break i think.
:)

Spring has arrived..

Spring has finally dawned... the birds are twittering madly every morning (how irritating when i want to sleep!) and clear skies with longer days are here.

i'll be putting up pictures soon once i finish my blasted essays--yes, yes i was last minute so i'm churning out about 1000 words a day on average nowadays just to make the deadliens, but i'm so glad to be here :)

Oldest's best:

On an msn conversation when i wondered aloud to a friend whether it hurt chickens to lay eggs...

after many speculations on my part (A) as to how it must be like childbirth, or whether it is akin to having really bad constipation, B flooded me with links on how hens lay their eggs.

A says: Oh Gawd, shouldn't have gotten you started!

B: Heh heh heh. but you *were* wondering.

All right little hen, I'm going to bed
A says: (9:50:12 PM)
cluck cluck cluck
A says: (9:50:15 PM)
iwas wondering

A says: (9:50:26 PM)
would u do my essay for me??
B (9:50:35 PM)
pawk pawk pawk
A (9:50:56 PM)
but i *am*
A(9:51:00 PM)
wondering in earnest now...
B (9:51:00 PM)
Your chikkens would have laid their eggs in vain
A: (9:51:59 PM)
RARRR!
B(9:53:26 PM)
Work hard
B (9:53:31 PM)
Make your chikkens proud of you

Oldest's best. it's amazing how, despite the many years when I barely meet up with her, that old friendship built on a mutual nocturnal love of night phone calls, music, when we were young and swinging university students, we still manage to fall into such silly conversations.

I hope we grow old together. (Beams) If you are reading this, blackie, this one's for you!

and now i have to go back to my dratted, decidedly none-hen or egg related essay...

snowing in London

this is what greeted me this morning... yes it snows in April!

crazy isn't it?

it must be global warming, i tell you...it's supposed to be spring, not winter!

the worse hit will be the animals, and my guess would be the poor, fuel costs and all.

still there's something magical about seeing snowflakes...

i didn't see this in December--so its a late christmas for me!

Being thoroughly spoilt

I went home to Singapore for a week: it was a whirlwind of meeting up with family, a few friends, battling my allergies which came back with a vengeance and buying things for London living (i bought braised peanuts...do you have a problem with that?!)

here's me hiding during an unexpected birthday celebration.

Twenty-eight.

how awfully old that feels suddenly, and yet i feel no closer to settling my life.

Time seems to fly by and yet stand still for me--i'm still trying to sort out my life direction whilst my friends are buying apartments, flats, getting married, giving birth.

Yes, i know, at my age, people of my mother's generation were already laden with kids.

Am i worried that I am still almost like a footloose and fancy free barely turned twenty year old?

i guess, sometimes. i don't mean about the getting married bit, i mean the haven't seem to sort out my life direction bit. But then again, i believe that it's much better i take my own route than follow the crowd--in my case---because how much worse if i shortcircuit everything and get myself caught up in what one of my professors term the 'lock-step existence'?

anyway, to those of you who are reading this blog and whom i didnt meet...please don't be offended. i forgot to bring my mobile phone on which i stored all the numbers...

i'll meet up with you the next time i am home!