what have i been up to?

This is one of my hobbies... yes yes i should get started on my other chores but i need a break! isn't this absolutely pwetty?

calmness

i've lost about half of savings just over a few months, let's say it's such a huge amount because it take me up to a year to save, and which was intended to pay back a loan. but i'm surprisingly calm, because i understand this is simply life...i've lost alot but i haven't lost everything...one hopes, since my transaction will only return my guess in 2 weeks time. 

but the main thing is: i'm still healthy. i'm in one piece, and in anycase, that's life. life IS like that. there are ups and downs, and at present, i have enough food in my mouth clothes for my back! 

Which brings me back to whatever i've been concerned about. my main goal, as i have said to someone very dear to me for years, is that i have friends i grow old with. i want meaningful relationships... people whose funerals i'll go to and who will go to mine, friends who will have kids and whose children i hope to watch grow up, enough to pay the bills, laugh with and all, and engage in a job i enjoy. time and love to give to those dear to me.

but in order to get there, ill have to survive the next close to decade of years. i am making big switches, almost impossible leaps, but these leaps have to be made, because this will affect my career paths for the next decades, and will have spill on effects on my life, my relationships, my capacity to become more independent financially.. and so to work, and i'll stay calm.

i'm grateful for life, and joy, and for Bach:)

Life goals

"you are actually quite naive, aren't you? i work on guilty till proven innocent...thats why you get into trouble with people!"

i'm tired. i have been told by umpteenth friends that i'm too trusting and naive about people...

but i really don't want to live on suspicion. how can i live this way? what kind of life is this if i'm constantly suspicious of people telling me half-truths... i can't live like that.

financially, i'm worried about money, and worried about my future, everything seems to collide together, but i also understand something...

i can't control everything. i'll just have to tae that leap of faith, and take all the careful steps i have been doing already. 

one side of me feels extremely guilty...i'm twenty-eight, i wish i could take over the financial responsibilities but there's another side of my brain that also says, no, there's at least decades more for me to do so... so just stay the course and focus on my other plans because that could mean that later on i can fulfil my financial responsibilities and earn my living. 

more pictures of dover

i'm slacking a bit... i'm entitled... i just handed in my dissertation and i surely deserve a tiny break.. )

here's more pictures of Dover and my first time plucking and eating wildblueberries...

isn't it lovely?

beautiful dover

I always fantasized of going to dover beach, simply because i read dover beach during my A levels.

i was fortunate, it was indeed a lovely day!

What i see when i go joggin in London

Autumn has come at last... my favourite season.

Oddly enough, last year, i was sad that i won't be here to experience autumn...or so i thought. Then i was still in C, and i did not think i would be transferring. 

indeed , as of today, i have passed the one-year mark in the UK :), but most of it has been spent indoors...goodness gracious me.. well there was the transfer which meant i had to catch up on half a term's worth of work. One of the tutors at UCL looked at me disbelieving and said he had no idea how i was going to catch up..oh well, i did score a provisional distinction for the work i handed into him.

My tutor asked me a few days ago whether i regretted the transfer. Well, no, not exactly. and anyway the die has been cast, and any regret would be fruitless.

I have enjoyed my studies immensely---the dept was extremely supportive, or rather the graduate tutor has been wonderful. he helped me clear the administrative roadblocks for me to get another dept's module counted into my workload and thus allowed me to take classes in another dept, he gave me the extensions i needed earlier due to my transfer and he even stored my things for a while when i was frantically looking for new accommodation when i was faced with a crazy landlord.

i have stayed for 9 months in this current house, and i'm very, very, very happy. my landlord is fabulous and i get along well with him...hence i'm trying to stay on in this house.

but anyway, here are some pictures of autumn's glory when i go jogging..i have no money to explore the delights of london lah...

relationships

I haven't blogged for a long time, i know, but tis coz i have been busy with my dissertation which I have just handed in, and my sleeping schedule is completely messed up, so i thought i'll blog instead about something that's bothering me, and i'll just recycle this in the future.

1. I really don't do casual relationships or getting into a relationship for its own sake, and no matter how many times you repeat that you think I'm beautiful and attractive or how similar we seem to be, it has  no effect on me. ABSOLUTELY. Please bugger off.

2. When i give you my friendship, when i try to live with integrity and not string you along, and am utterly honest with you, please don't exploit it. It hurts me very deeply. I don't open myself up that easily, despite all my outward friendliness. As my closest friends observe, i'm deeply private with my emotions. So when I open up and give you my trust and allow you access to the more thoughtful and personal side rather than the madly happy persona, I do so in trust. Don't exploit and turn that trust against me, to get whatever you want out of me: attention, affection, time etc etc. Yes, i know men and women string each other along. I despise that sort of behaviour because i think it's hurtful and i never want to live like that. That is PRECISELY why i refuse to enter into relationships for its own sake. If after observing and knowing you for some time and I feel that we aren't the right person for each other in terms of personal qualities, life goals and attitudes, I refuse that because i simply don't want either person to get hurt. but in return, i expect the same consideration for another person... not just for me, but for others. 

this is definitely a difficult path. We often ground our identities in how attractive we are to others, physically or otherwise, or how desirable we are. In addition, people do hurt us and string us along. But when will this cycle end? only if we choose NOT to perpetuate it. and that's my choice.

I'd rather be a crazy cat-lady all my life. I don't see having a relationship a marker of my value as a person. 

3. If you have chosen to express your interest in me, and i decline it by hinting or making it clear i just want to be friends, i DO want to be friends. Most of the time, I have always cared for you...as a friend. I do not look at every male friend of mine as a potential partner or sperm donor; most of the time I see you as a person whom I might just want to get to know... as a interesting human being. It also takes me a really long time to be attracted to someone.. and no i'm not talking weeks! i need to see and know you in a variety of contexts before I will even consider dating you. 

so i'm conservative or ridiculous. deal with it. if you can't play ball, find someone else. I have never said or believed that i'm the most attractive person in the entire universe...and if you find someone you like, good for you! i'll always be happy for you. But i do believe in my own self-worth, and that means i won't sell myself short for someone I can't see a future with either out of practical considerations (sorry I don't do star-crossed lovers act), or that I somehow don't see our characters in a situation where we can actually compromise on certain things and make a plausible, realistic and happy future. Do i believe in the idea of someone who's right for me in everyway? eh no. But there ARE some qualities i won't compromise on, and it goes beyond religion or educational status etc.

4. I honestly respect my men friends who accept that i don't want a relationship,and yet stay friends with me. I don't jerk people around, and i would never ever laugh or sneer at you in front of you or behind your back for being attracted to me, because we can't help attraction, but we can choose how we act on it. But it's very hard for me to stay friends when you don't accept my nos, and it makes me want to avoid you.

Am i against relationships? NO! but there are certain non-negotiables, and i do expect certain qualities, because I do see it as a lifelong thing and because i know myself well, what I will find tolerable, what i won't, what I will find livable with after the romantic haze dissipates, what i won't. I'm simply trying to save everyone hurt and pain, so please respect that, and you know, we can stay friends for life! I'm just so tired of having to fend off four men all within one week!