relationships

I haven't blogged for a long time, i know, but tis coz i have been busy with my dissertation which I have just handed in, and my sleeping schedule is completely messed up, so i thought i'll blog instead about something that's bothering me, and i'll just recycle this in the future.

1. I really don't do casual relationships or getting into a relationship for its own sake, and no matter how many times you repeat that you think I'm beautiful and attractive or how similar we seem to be, it has  no effect on me. ABSOLUTELY. Please bugger off.

2. When i give you my friendship, when i try to live with integrity and not string you along, and am utterly honest with you, please don't exploit it. It hurts me very deeply. I don't open myself up that easily, despite all my outward friendliness. As my closest friends observe, i'm deeply private with my emotions. So when I open up and give you my trust and allow you access to the more thoughtful and personal side rather than the madly happy persona, I do so in trust. Don't exploit and turn that trust against me, to get whatever you want out of me: attention, affection, time etc etc. Yes, i know men and women string each other along. I despise that sort of behaviour because i think it's hurtful and i never want to live like that. That is PRECISELY why i refuse to enter into relationships for its own sake. If after observing and knowing you for some time and I feel that we aren't the right person for each other in terms of personal qualities, life goals and attitudes, I refuse that because i simply don't want either person to get hurt. but in return, i expect the same consideration for another person... not just for me, but for others. 

this is definitely a difficult path. We often ground our identities in how attractive we are to others, physically or otherwise, or how desirable we are. In addition, people do hurt us and string us along. But when will this cycle end? only if we choose NOT to perpetuate it. and that's my choice.

I'd rather be a crazy cat-lady all my life. I don't see having a relationship a marker of my value as a person. 

3. If you have chosen to express your interest in me, and i decline it by hinting or making it clear i just want to be friends, i DO want to be friends. Most of the time, I have always cared for you...as a friend. I do not look at every male friend of mine as a potential partner or sperm donor; most of the time I see you as a person whom I might just want to get to know... as a interesting human being. It also takes me a really long time to be attracted to someone.. and no i'm not talking weeks! i need to see and know you in a variety of contexts before I will even consider dating you. 

so i'm conservative or ridiculous. deal with it. if you can't play ball, find someone else. I have never said or believed that i'm the most attractive person in the entire universe...and if you find someone you like, good for you! i'll always be happy for you. But i do believe in my own self-worth, and that means i won't sell myself short for someone I can't see a future with either out of practical considerations (sorry I don't do star-crossed lovers act), or that I somehow don't see our characters in a situation where we can actually compromise on certain things and make a plausible, realistic and happy future. Do i believe in the idea of someone who's right for me in everyway? eh no. But there ARE some qualities i won't compromise on, and it goes beyond religion or educational status etc.

4. I honestly respect my men friends who accept that i don't want a relationship,and yet stay friends with me. I don't jerk people around, and i would never ever laugh or sneer at you in front of you or behind your back for being attracted to me, because we can't help attraction, but we can choose how we act on it. But it's very hard for me to stay friends when you don't accept my nos, and it makes me want to avoid you.

Am i against relationships? NO! but there are certain non-negotiables, and i do expect certain qualities, because I do see it as a lifelong thing and because i know myself well, what I will find tolerable, what i won't, what I will find livable with after the romantic haze dissipates, what i won't. I'm simply trying to save everyone hurt and pain, so please respect that, and you know, we can stay friends for life! I'm just so tired of having to fend off four men all within one week!