A new year's resolution

It was with a start of recognition when I saw my friend's blog entry, written in sadness a few months back. A fellow teacher, she bemoan that all she has done for the past few years is really to work. Work, work, work, because everything has been so emotionally draining---and this is precisely why I wanted to fly free...I couldn't stop myself from obsessing about every logical fallacy my students wrote, I tried my best to help them think, but at such a high price. S. told me disgruntledly many years back she started out that way too, then realise mid-way that students don't really care as much as we do, and the toil that it would exact would be too high. Now, S is a great teacher--she taught me so much!---and by all standards, she is responsible, but I see that she is right...sometimes we have to spend more time for ourselves.

I became so tired, I barely had time for my family. I was so emotionally drained all the time, i felt vulnerable, I had to retreat back into my shell, into the quietness of my room and self. Meeting people, anyone, made me fear the dissipation of my tired and vulnerable work-exhausted self. Oh I wanted to hang out with my family and friends too, but i was just too tired and drained everyday--and i pushed that off. I thought my escape route lay in going off to study, but now, I guess, I have come to realise, it was that I had been too much of a perfectionist, because really, a little fuzzy thinking will not have killed my students. The price of ruthlessly eradicating every logical error, explaining at length in each of their essays has also meant a heavy price i paid. It's odd, but it took the strange and difficult problems of the past few months to realise that I am good at problem-solving---I made the difficult decision to move so many times---because I know what should be done and can muster up truckloads of willpower to do so---but I have neglected to even rest and play. It took being sick so often here that made me see that the price of trying to problem-solve efficiently, with lack of care for my tired self has been tremendously high.

I resolve to take work less seriously from now on. It sounds disgusting and horrible---I don't mean I'll swing to the extreme of not caring, but having these few weeks of time to think---enforced by my long bout of flu which has rendered me tired and too tired to quickly get my essays and assignments out of the way as I am too exhausted----has made me realise this isn't what I want. i don't want to be constantly achieving things---either marking obsessively as a teacher, or even doing a string of things.

It's true that at your deathbed you kind of think through what you want in life. I was and am ,by no means on my deathbed---good grief---but I have come to wish, I learnt to play harder. Oh I looked playful, I seemed to always be up to some mad joke, but I really played and enjoyed myself very little not just over the past few months but the past few years.

For me, then, it's to rework the balance...and for 2008, i hope to say I have achieved better balance, I have learnt to smell the flowers and relax more. 2007 has taught me much, that perhaps as I strived so hard at work and then to get into a different track, I have run my life on the basis of efficiency, and found that it doesn't matter that much to me, after all. I hope, trust and pray it isn't too late.

Christmas in London

It feels properly Christmasy. Everything has become so cold, and I'm listening to the Nine Lessons and Carols by the King's college, Cambridge (wry look... yes, i could have listened to it in person!) , all pretensions of trying to do my work having been vanquished.

There's a hum and buzz about the air, and everything has become deathly quiet, for everyone has either flown away, or gone home to spend the days with their family. Lights twinkling in the windows of every house I see, it's also not surprising how people find their loneliest time during Christmas in Euro-America, simply because it's such an event here.

As for me? I'm going to a friend's place, and on the road to recovery, am either going to somehow, despite the almost none-existent transport system, go to a service tomorrow or stay at home to do my papers or read the books I gleefully bought in preparation for slacking!

I love Christmas! Yes, I do wish I could have spent it with people I care for deeply, but I'm also feeling very lucky at the moment! My first freezing Christmas (notwithstanding writing papers!!!)

Merry Christmas to all!

And oh, if you are reading this blog,
merry Christmas to you all! thank you for all your good wishes and concern, forgive me for my mianess and not wanting to talk, just been overwhelmed but i will soon return!

The heroine that nearly was

And so I, the intrepid burglar-catcher, stopped two men in their tracks just as they were about to make off with my landlord's most precious things.

The police gave a fanfare, my landlord couldn't stop weeping as he thought of the potential loss of his precious fish, and all hailed miss P, the brave, the wonderful small person who dared...

Alas this never would be.

Hopping downstairs, I was taken aback to discover that the doorway to the apartment of my landlord (who is probably sunbathing in Thailand) wide open, and two men removing a fishtank. Both ignored me. I was hesitating, but decided to be kaypoh and asked, sorry, who ARE you? and it turned out, of course, that his partner was hidden behind the two men.

E. laughed and said, "Oh dear, then everything is taken away!" before his face crinkled into laughter.

Mine followed suit and I danced off, amused, that this seem so movie-like!

And here are some more pictures of stuff I whipped up for the past two days. You can tell I have been doing a lot of cooking of late, simply because a)i'm ill b)i don't like supermarket reheatable food all the time c)I HATE creamy stuff---which underlies much of British supermarket convenience food ranging from soups to rice stuff, which is all i can afford given my limited budget so cooking's cheaper e) I always have had pretensions towards cooking f) the old-made-in-singapore tv my landlord lent me died within a week and i hope he doesn't barf when he returns, i don't want to move again!--g) because I am slacking and I am sick to death of pretending to do my work. haha! I dont care if my deadlines are actually extended ones in view of teh fact I joined the course late, it's Christmas, I haven't enjoyed myself properly since I set foot on British soil, and i don't wish to moo madly from feeding on bad food. So THERE!

I miss my pretty, pretty Cambridge room

so finally, shots of my cambridge room. Well, forgive the mess, i remembered to take photos only the night before I was leaving and was packing madly---a friend reminded me to---and opps, looks guiltily at another friend, I forgot to take shots of the mad woman's room which i rented...

My Cambridge room had a lovely roof---i had sort of an attic ceiling, and i even had a blue settee! I had a small balcony too! But ah well, when a newly made Cambridge friend asked me to rethink when I wanted to leave and told me that I would have difficulties finding nice accommodation like this, I asked myself and honestly could not stay with a pretty room only.

But i miss my cambridge room and the porters and the househelp I made friends then but ah well, some things are not meant to be!

My room

This is the third room I have had so far in the UK---3 rooms, 1 for every month!---and here are some pictures. it is much tinier than the room I have had at Cambridge, as well as the room i had at the mad woman's house---both my previous two rooms had enough space for settes/sofas and enough room for at least 2-3 people with their own sleeping bags to crash over.

But what shall i say? I'm hoping NOT to move anymore as so far the facilities in this house work---everything works! and my housemates don't seem extraordinarily dirty!---they seem nice, not overly friendly but decent, and my landlord actually left me a Christmas card welcoming me into the house as he left for vacation just before I moved in.

that white thing you see peeking out of the corner near the foot of the bed is an extra duvet which I was mad enough to try and handwash...I'm not entirely convinced it's cleaner now!---er, let's just say I was being mad as usual, so once that is dry cleaned, it can be converted into a sort of mattress :)

who is a great cook? c'est moi, the one and only

Ahem, I cooked soup today WITHOUT a receipe. I'm pleased to say it wasn't too bad. Ok so it would have been more photogenic if i had taken photos of it pipping hot in its pot or my soup bowl, but as usual, I forgot to take photos until its a bit late. those three tupperwares are what i intend to store for three meals :) after I have satiated myself. Burp.


Let me give you the receipe (and my recommendations)

1. Take 2-3 oranges (you can use clementines or ordinary ones but clementines are usually sweet), 2 apples and 1 persimmon. Slice them into quarters (please peel the apples)

2. dump in mushrooms,spinach and tomatoes as well.

3. let it simmer in water (use your own judgement); maybe for at least 20-30 minutes?.

4. meanwhile, saute a large onion, a clove of garlic, sliced pieces of two chicken breasts for about 8-10 minutes or so.

Dump them all in the soup and let everything simmer some more. switch off when you have checked the flavour.

Ok some amendments. you are advised to remove the cut pieces of persimmon after the soup is completed. All of the above fruits add sweetness and some flavour to the soup---the chicken breast pieces don't help---but the dissolved apple and orange bits do. The persimmon just tastes weird after its flavour has gone into the soup. I tried eating a slice and choked. the rest of the fruit pieces, having melted, became gorgeous. Even the melted onions and so on were yummy.

Truth being told, the real story is, I have been down with flu and so was too "lembek" (weak in Malay) to walk out and buy bay leaves, rosemary, thyme and the usual herbs I fall back upon to make veggie soup, as I looked around my larder and realized I absolutely did not want to eat canned creamy soup (i HATE creamy soups!), or anything fried or oily. I even felt sick at the thought of eating bread.

So pouncing on my fruit stock---I had the foresight to buy lots of fruits and veggies and chicken breasts as i guessed I would be too ill to walk around very much the next few days---i decided to turn them into soup stock.

And oh, I cleaned up the kitchen, even cleaned up left over pots and the a dirty cooker left by my housemates.

So who says I'm a dirty girl? (with a meaningful toss at her mother!)

I need an exorcist

I have moved!:)

But my ex-landlord is giving me grief. As you all have pointed out, she sounds mad.

Well i conclude she IS mad. I didn't want to talk to her anymore as I suspected that she would have created a big drama at the handing over keys stage so this is what i did---which I won't advocate or would have done if I had a normal landlord, but as we established earlier, she is't so I dont' feel I did the wrong thing.

I took my stuff and left a note detailing that I had to be at my new place at 8 am---true, for the internet connection---and I have stripped the mattresses of the covers and placed them neatly for her to wash, have cleaned the areas----and that I was very tired and hoped not to come back for the handing over personally. If she had problems, she could contact me on.---I left her my uk hp no (prepaid, btw, so i can change the number if necessary...!). I left the keys in the room along with the note.

When I was in my ew place, I rang her up and left a voice message to say I have left, but have given her my contact number so she can contact me if necessary.

She rang me at 10 pm in high dungeon insisting that she had papers in the room and what had i done with them? (stole? burnt? ) then rounded off by saying she is going to complain to my university for being sneaky blah blah blah.

Hello, If i wanted to sneak off, I won't even have left my hp no for you to contact me, you crazy cow. I knew you would have some last minute nonsense that's why I DO NOT want to talk to you face to face anymore.

Ayway, I'm hopin she can be exocised out of my life and TONIGHT is the last i have heard of her. I am sick to death of her, and I wanna get my work out of the way so I can play and enjoy UK properly.

Crazy cow.

Counting down

I am moving in tomorrow to my new place. Hopefully the internet connection starts up successfully and well, and I am well pleased with the landlord, the housemates and the facilities! :) So tired of freezing everyday---I can't think, can't work---it's not productive.

And maybe, if I'm not so cold, I won't eat so much! I have oh lemme see, about a 6 months pregnant size of the tummy... I'm definitely tubby now! Snack food here is AMAZING, and I ADORE carbs... cakes, scones, muffins, rice.. bring them on!

Ok so I'm supposed to write essays instead of crapping here but I am still braindead, the library's goin to shut for christmas-new year vacation.. argh!

apart from them, I'm starting to feel happier I guess...I am starting to calm down from having to panic over universities and accommodations (cross fingers!) and I'm starting to be excited, finally, that I'm living in London!

Once my deadlines are over, I hope to regal everyone with exciting and happy tales about Londoning.. yes, maybe even working as a barmaid to pay off my accommodation?
wink.

Food oh most glorious, most divine.

Pilov.

I am going to learn how to cook it.

we had a christmas party last night, and one of my khazakhstanian coursemates---i was hugely embarrassed that i didn't recongise her ever, but then again, I came late on the course so I have an excuse!---cooked this whooping pot of steaming hot rice.

I wish I took pictures, because it was tres, tres bien, sehr gut, hen hao chi, whatever. yum. Contrast that with my edible stuff, I feel terribly embarrassed that I can't cook better. I can do light european salads and y'know, eggs with mushrooms etc and they taste goodish, but like the elaborate stuff? darn. wish I could.

My course mates so far, are very easy going and a really nice bunch. Lovely to meet them all. I hope i become better friends with them, once I get over my deadlines.

As for now, my lovelies, I'm feeling much chirpier, as I will be moving in for good next monday onwards! I started moving my things to my new place today, and I found a card by my new landlord welcoming me to the new place---he's on holiday---which i think bodes well, he seems very understanding that I'm very, very scared now of landlords!

Well on tuesday morning, i rang him up panicking... On Monday, the university called me to say they found me housing that was cheaper and more central and i had to decide within 24 hours, but it was available only mid Jan. I was panicking badly as I prefer university housing---at least I don't have to deal with landlords!---but kind of decided to speak to him first as I have already paid a month's deposit as well as half a month's rent. I didnt' tell him I had another offer---i just told him I was worried he was going to kick me out for writing essays in my room---note that the whole ruckus with this current one revolves around teh fact that I quietly work in my room!---and he laughed and said that once I move in, I'll calm down as he feels i'm just very scarred by my current experiences.

We'll see first. if all goes well, I'll stay till the end of my course! and maybe find a job. A sign that I have started to calm down from the recent spate of mad and crazy incidents...I am even thinking of extending my stay in the UK, as I feel I haven't seen much of it apart from, tube and train rides, and sourcing for affordable accommodation, and yes, trying to play catch up.
Who knows? waitressing, bar maiding... the possibilities are endless! as long as they pay the bills! :)

On the spirit of Scrooge and when I grow old...

The days are getting shorter and colder, and as the weather brings across thoughts of Christmas, my thoughts turn towards not just home, but Dickens. Yes, Dickens and A Christmas Carol.

It was almost as if a light went on in my head since yesterday, and I begin to understand my landlord, and to gain something from it---which is how I don't want to turn out when I hit my fifties or sixties!

She really is Scrooge. She isn't evil incarnate nor is she poor--she goes on holidays to really far destinations, eats only organic food!---but just unreasonable, and combine with that, not being able to plan ahead so that leads to her trying to penny pinch.

she goes on like a broken tape recorder, I thought you would be in school on Monday, tues, wed, and on weekends, to which i calmly reply I am in school half of the days and now it's my assignment/exam time so I'm staying in my room to clear my work. i almost don't lose my temper anymore when i hear this because I'm so sick of hearing this phrase. The real reason, I think, is her worry that if i'm in, i'll waste heating and light energy. But i've talked to other landlords and they explained that even if I stay indoors twenty four hours, 7 days a week, it'll come up to at most 5 pounds more per week, on top of say, if i were already paying 10 pounds per week for utilities (which exclude the internet etc).

she turns the heating on very, very low when she goes out and whenever i ask her to turn it on---look i am not stupid and am capable of fiddling with the control myself, but out of respect I tell and ask her as she gets nervous even when I use the washing machine unsupervised---and seriously, it's a marked difference when her friends pop by and the heating is just nice!---and grumbles on and on that I am wasting electricity. I have told her i am willing to run to the kitchen and toilet and switch off the little heaters so that the heating will only warm up my room but she says its too troublesome (i.e. she rather i freeze over at 7-8 degrees...which no matter how many fleeces i put on, is too cold to work properly!). Then because she sees me going to the toilet in slippers---I'm not wearing socks to the toilet to shower!--and because she seen me once wearing my polo t-shirt with cap sleeves to the toilet---she insists it's because I am not dressing warmly. Ridiculous: i have never complained to her about how cold it gets only until I have already worn two fleece jackets, ad I don't ever stroll around the house in mini-tops and shorts! Plus the curtains in my room are affected by the drafts through closed windows, which means my room's walls aren't sealed properly!---and she keeps saying it's because i'm not wearing enough clothes until I started saying look, I am wearing thermals under my clothes, and fleeces on top of my shirts! She then counters that I must zip more tightly. sigh.

I have seen her using the microwave to heat bread etc, and when I wanted to defrost my cooked food in my tupperware which I did two weeks ago, she says I'm being extravagant. Seriously, it takes 7 minutes to defrost as compared to 20 minutes over the gas, and from my google research, she'll save only 18 pounds per year if I consistently use gas over the microwave! She follows up with a lecture that she's trying to save energy and the environment---i was laughing to myself because research shows that for the same food you use for the microwave and gas cooker, you actually consume less energy for the microwave (i wasn't cooking in batches, just reheating food!). The real reason is she wants to save er... 1 pound per month from my usage which is never more than once a day? She always leaves lights on in all the rooms, which irritates me (an irritation i keep to myself), as I think that's a waste of energy and it merely shows her lip service to saving electricity!)

But something has become clear. The room I am renting is full of junk in the cupboards--I know because I'm supposed to find free space in the cupboards to put my things---and I have seen her other rooms when she was preparing for her guests to stay over---it's amazingly full of junk.. so full that it's impossible to walk into the other rooms!

She's a hoarder. The worse thing is, she's a fairly ok financially middle-class hoarder, who has only hosted EFL learners who cannot talk to her, so that's why she's so darn difficult to communicate to. She's bossy, and authoritarian, which is why she thinks she has the right to tell me how to run my life, and to keep asking me to go out---sorry that's not within the tenancy agreement!

And she's not what I want to become. Something clicked clear this weekend, and there's something very pathetic about becoming like this!

i don't ever want to be like this. I have seen at least four other older people near her age who are generous and yet not extravagant with their money. I never want to become like this, encumbered by my many things that I can't let things go.

One thing I learnt from the move from C to London, and now from accommodation to, in few weeks' time, yet another accommodation, is that I never felt so encumbered by my books and clothes before. Things have a way of tying you down; your spirit down; and your priorities become fettered to your property. I haven't argued or been more firm as many classmates/friends told me to, simply because I dare not risk my things---my computer, some presents given to me by people dear to me, my certs, passport etc. Of course, if anything goes wrong, I can complain to the authorities. But what's the point? by then it's over and no complaining will bring back my certificates, for instance, to me.

I resolve not to accumulate too much things now though. Or at least, it's ok to buy things, but to let them go and allow others to benefit from them too. One person I know always has the attitude that she is glad for someone to be using something she doesn't, or whenever I tell her I passed something I can't use to someone else, her response is that of enthusiasm, because the thing isn't wasted/hoarded but used by someone else.

that's the kind of attitude I want when I grow old.

When I grow old, i may or may not wear purple, but I want to be a generous person. Oh bills have to be paid, feet have to be planted on the ground, care with money still has to be shown, but this sort of pettiness? Spare me.

On another note, for some of you---who have been very patient in not asking about C--- I'll explain more when I have got time.

For now, what I will say is this: it's like growing up time, in the sense of learning to have the courage to do what is right for me, even if pragmatically, the place---oh believe me, I do know graduating with a degree from C does carry prestige----has a lot of glitter to it. Faced with such a decision many years ago, I went with pragmatism, made the best of it, but always wondered what would happen had i the courage to walk away from it.

I guess I feel as if this time was a kind of repetition in a way, and I'm glad, for now at least, despite the many accommodation woes, the fear i won't do well or pull through my deadlines, that I had taken the leap.

So while these few months haven't exactly been very happy or productive academically---i am applying for funding etc so all my deadlines are messed up now---I have learnt and grown a lot, more perhaps, than if I had gone straight into student accommodation in UCL.

I haven't moved; clarification

Hey guys and girls!

no, i haven't moved! thanks for the notes of concern... i am moving only after the 16th dec. teh reason is well, the tenancy for the other place only starts on 16th onwards, and i also, erm, she says sheepishly, am not very trusting at the moment. I haven't search as hard as I would have preferred but I got too many deadlines from now through the whole of december, so this new one seems ok... but I am scared of further shocks and prefer to move in 16th onwards as school at least ends by then...that will give me more time to deal...

Maybe i 'm being paranoid, after all, UCL has been great after the first false start, but i'm doing better the devil known' at this point in time. She's mad, but she doesn't seem violent so fine.

I hope you are all well, please regal me with news about yourselves! Once er, things calm down, i hope to be showing off lovely pictures of UK and exciting things I am up to! :)