Anger

I am very, very, very angry. 

Clearing my room just hours before i went for a marvellish rehearsal on Elgar, but more of than another time, i stumbled upon a GP generic notice to all women to be tested for HPV...and which is personalized...asking me to kindly make an appointment. 

A few months ago, I remember discussing  "should all young British women be vaccinated against HPV" in one of my sociology of science classes that i was auditing. I read about a mother's response...she was infuriated at the idea that her twelve year old may have a vaccination even when she may not even be sexually active...on the premise that she will PROBABLY be sexually active very soon.

I'm to say the least, enraged.

Sexual education is ALWAYS ideological. Don't give me the bullshit that only the conservative "abstinence" message is ideological as if the oh teach them protection methods isn't.

Don't be so dishonest. 

I find it grievous that the inability to govern one's sexual urges is seen as normal, and to govern it is to be unnatural and to go against nature. 

So? How about obesity? Anorexia? suddenly that becomes "oh fat women are attractive" becomes a cultural issue, whilst sexual issues are all heeding nature's bidding, which is well and good, and unrepressive.

So explain to me. You don't feel like going to school, you don't feel like going to work, you don't flipping feel like brushing your teeth but well, you just have to go against your natural urges. but that's ok.

And to think that we should rather intervene by vaccinating young women instead of teaching them to control themselves seems, frankly, presposterous to me.

Look, sexual education doesn't have abstinence, and pretend as if all forms of protection don't exist, or just teach about methods as if they are super effective, and ignore abstinence. 

there is a middle way.  The reality is that all forms of protection can never be 100%; and if sexual education is really to be truly effective, it has to be honest with the kids as well...condoms exist, yes, but they do fail. And HPV whilst controllable, is never completely curable. 

and HPV and Chlamydia can cause infertility. And oh by the way, your kiddies can be infected or born prematurely.

For goodness' sake: if you have a child, dont you want the best possible future for your kid? physically, free of STDS, emotionally brought up by stable parents who can commit to proper care rather than born out of a tryst because they were too juvenile to control their urges.  Wont you want to be sure you and your partner are both equally capable of caring for your child? 

I think the difference between a child and and adult is this: the child knows nothing apart from instant gratification, the adult should know how to think of longer term consequences. 

Then again, there are people who want to have kids because they want to have kids to fulfil themselves without thinking through the consequences for their children. Fine.

But it sickens me that when we don't equip our children with knowledge, we expose them ...imagine a twelve year old worrying about warts caused by STDS, fearful of pregnancy or having to go through an abortion.

don't get me wrong...i don't take the hardline abortion is absolutely evil. but I think, when we don't teach our children what it means to say, wait, decide on yr sexual activity LATER. WAIT...we do them a disservice.

Why am i on this topic? well, because you know, i see posters on tubes about the rates of various STDs, she says flippantly...

Mentorship

Women (and men) need good mentors. 

That's my firm belief.

I realized that i have been lucky in that i have encountered very good female mentors along the way, some have passed me by briefly, others have been and continue to play an important role in my life. 

The women I know are very self-sufficient, goal and career oriented, without sacrificing their family life. 

And so that helps me, even without us talking about this explicitly, helps me situate my life. I sort of "pick up" what i think is important for a child to have, what is the best way of handling relationships, and how to think for the long term.

Are these vital, unspoken skills that are necessary? 

I think so. I guess because I move in a few circles here so far...and some people i do know here, perhaps not well, but their lives are hugely messy..and it sort of shocks me. like why don't they think for the long term? that sort of thing. 

I'm grateful i have had to keep me on the sensible route...not explicitly, but throgh their lives...they give me role models to aspire too.

Someone i met in the course of my research once told me... I think you make an awesome role model for younger women.  my housemate said the same thing to me too.

I don't think so. I have met more amazing women but i do realise..yes that is what i can aspire to. Being an awesome woman who handles life, my life well, such that other young women won't mess around with their own lives...

Uncommon friendships

i have read a fantastic article of late... celebrating friendship.

It definitely strikes a chord in me, because i've been asked several times before if i'm a lesbian or whatever.

for the record, no. i'm not even bisexual, and no it certainly isn't because i'm afraid of social stigmas or whatever to come out of the closet.

BUT, i do think there's something very boxing in about wanting all relationships to be clustered with the underlying expectations of sexual desire.

But why? must all relationships be read through the prisms of sexual desire? can i not, just simply care and love my friends, whatever sexual orientation or gender they are, even if i don't share their sexual orientation. Tis strange.

i can imagine myself in a set up like these two friends...living with a friend, and yet, not engaged in a relationship with the close friend i live with. 

but maybe tha'ts just me!

variations on a theme

I know i'm slightly repetitive, but i'm on the theme of men-women again.

I guess what sparked it is that Obama won! :), yippee! and if you ask me, i think Michelle played an enormous role.

Michelle is an equal in every sense of the word to her husband, and i'm now really believing in female power.

it's odd. i would never had identified myself as a card-carrying feminist just a while ago, but now, i think i'm definitely a feminist.

don't get me wrong: i certainly don't hate men. I have lots of male friends whom i respect greatly and whom i'm fond of. But the truth of the matter is that the older i grow, the more greatly i respect women: especially the ones i meet who juggle motherhood, wifehood, a job and other passions. so difficult, so tough, and yet they pull it off well.

i'm going to be such a cool woman too!

on a more extended meditation, i have to say that it seems to me, alot of men are real idiots. (caveat: i am VERY fond of my platonic male friends!) but i guess, the year's stay in London has honestly put me off somewhat. I've been so constantly picked up, even in the damn supermarkets i'm getting fed up...look it's so cold i'm swaddled in clothes! i have no idea... is it desperation? are men really that socially inept that they don't know how to fulfil their emotional needs elsewhere? if it just sex... hey, there are other ways...

but it's true. i'm beginning to see that men are honestly simpler than women. they are biologicaly driven, i have no idea whether to pity or feel annoyed.

It's like, huh? how come men are so single minded? women can look at men and decide whether they are either friends, or potential partners, men on the other hand, i have come to realize, once they go down the track of being attracted, they either want to push ahead, or then make things so awkward and ugly that friendship is no longer possible. it's weird because if i examine my feelings, i can easily see a few men that i could, in other circumstances, be attracted to, but because they are already attached or whatever, no, and i respect them enough to want to keep this a healthy, clean, platonic friendship. but i would be disgusted with myself or with them if either of us tried to push it to something more, because it devalues the friendship.

i think i'll settle for pity, remaining cautious but not wall myself in.

men are so strange!

Music making

I just came back from two rehearsals and it was great fun, especially the one of Elgar's the music Makers. Gosh i so love music :) and London has been absolutely brilliant in giving me more opportunities for music! :)

I came back wishing i didn't have to go home or leave london, i almost want to stay in london just for the music-opportunities... what a silly little goose i can be!

 

women i admire

It's often said that women hold up half the sky, but this week alone has showed me the kind of woman i want to grow old into. I have had an awesome week in Boston, NYC, and in St. Albans. Plenty of travelling and lots of things to think about.

I had so much fun visiting Boston and NY for the first time. it also exploded my own prejudices and biases against America, in a way i would never have expected. I loved Boston and New york so much!

i met my old professor, the person who inspired me to think of academia as a real possibility for myself. She's an amazing woman. she has two toddlers, juggling a new job now, and I know from experience she's an awesome teacher, and a great person to boot. Very kind, but not a wishy washy personality.

then the weekend when i went to St Albans and stayed over at a choir member's house, someone whom i have never talked to earlier, and i found that i really liked what i saw of her. 

Digging around the history of the choir i realized there were a couple of women who kept the choir going for...16 years!

to say i admire them for their grit, determination, commitment is saying the least. when you contextualize it against the background of them being mothers, holding down professional careers, and keeping this going even though they don't live nearby, it says something about the kind of friendships they have built up, and the kind of persons they are.

I know what kind of professor i want to grow up into: kind, personable, a good scholar, and yet someone who juggles all these things well. :)

Singing!

Ok i have decided i definitely want graduate school if possible... for the simple reason that there's tons of choir and music dos i can join! 

i am going to be in three things for the next few months. next week, i'm doing beethoven's symphony 9th, i'm doing some other lithurgical music, and i'm also signed up for charpentier...

it's even more fun than attending classical music concerts! whee! graduate school, i'm aiming for you!

what have i been up to?

This is one of my hobbies... yes yes i should get started on my other chores but i need a break! isn't this absolutely pwetty?

calmness

i've lost about half of savings just over a few months, let's say it's such a huge amount because it take me up to a year to save, and which was intended to pay back a loan. but i'm surprisingly calm, because i understand this is simply life...i've lost alot but i haven't lost everything...one hopes, since my transaction will only return my guess in 2 weeks time. 

but the main thing is: i'm still healthy. i'm in one piece, and in anycase, that's life. life IS like that. there are ups and downs, and at present, i have enough food in my mouth clothes for my back! 

Which brings me back to whatever i've been concerned about. my main goal, as i have said to someone very dear to me for years, is that i have friends i grow old with. i want meaningful relationships... people whose funerals i'll go to and who will go to mine, friends who will have kids and whose children i hope to watch grow up, enough to pay the bills, laugh with and all, and engage in a job i enjoy. time and love to give to those dear to me.

but in order to get there, ill have to survive the next close to decade of years. i am making big switches, almost impossible leaps, but these leaps have to be made, because this will affect my career paths for the next decades, and will have spill on effects on my life, my relationships, my capacity to become more independent financially.. and so to work, and i'll stay calm.

i'm grateful for life, and joy, and for Bach:)

Life goals

"you are actually quite naive, aren't you? i work on guilty till proven innocent...thats why you get into trouble with people!"

i'm tired. i have been told by umpteenth friends that i'm too trusting and naive about people...

but i really don't want to live on suspicion. how can i live this way? what kind of life is this if i'm constantly suspicious of people telling me half-truths... i can't live like that.

financially, i'm worried about money, and worried about my future, everything seems to collide together, but i also understand something...

i can't control everything. i'll just have to tae that leap of faith, and take all the careful steps i have been doing already. 

one side of me feels extremely guilty...i'm twenty-eight, i wish i could take over the financial responsibilities but there's another side of my brain that also says, no, there's at least decades more for me to do so... so just stay the course and focus on my other plans because that could mean that later on i can fulfil my financial responsibilities and earn my living. 

more pictures of dover

i'm slacking a bit... i'm entitled... i just handed in my dissertation and i surely deserve a tiny break.. )

here's more pictures of Dover and my first time plucking and eating wildblueberries...

isn't it lovely?

beautiful dover

I always fantasized of going to dover beach, simply because i read dover beach during my A levels.

i was fortunate, it was indeed a lovely day!

What i see when i go joggin in London

Autumn has come at last... my favourite season.

Oddly enough, last year, i was sad that i won't be here to experience autumn...or so i thought. Then i was still in C, and i did not think i would be transferring. 

indeed , as of today, i have passed the one-year mark in the UK :), but most of it has been spent indoors...goodness gracious me.. well there was the transfer which meant i had to catch up on half a term's worth of work. One of the tutors at UCL looked at me disbelieving and said he had no idea how i was going to catch up..oh well, i did score a provisional distinction for the work i handed into him.

My tutor asked me a few days ago whether i regretted the transfer. Well, no, not exactly. and anyway the die has been cast, and any regret would be fruitless.

I have enjoyed my studies immensely---the dept was extremely supportive, or rather the graduate tutor has been wonderful. he helped me clear the administrative roadblocks for me to get another dept's module counted into my workload and thus allowed me to take classes in another dept, he gave me the extensions i needed earlier due to my transfer and he even stored my things for a while when i was frantically looking for new accommodation when i was faced with a crazy landlord.

i have stayed for 9 months in this current house, and i'm very, very, very happy. my landlord is fabulous and i get along well with him...hence i'm trying to stay on in this house.

but anyway, here are some pictures of autumn's glory when i go jogging..i have no money to explore the delights of london lah...

relationships

I haven't blogged for a long time, i know, but tis coz i have been busy with my dissertation which I have just handed in, and my sleeping schedule is completely messed up, so i thought i'll blog instead about something that's bothering me, and i'll just recycle this in the future.

1. I really don't do casual relationships or getting into a relationship for its own sake, and no matter how many times you repeat that you think I'm beautiful and attractive or how similar we seem to be, it has  no effect on me. ABSOLUTELY. Please bugger off.

2. When i give you my friendship, when i try to live with integrity and not string you along, and am utterly honest with you, please don't exploit it. It hurts me very deeply. I don't open myself up that easily, despite all my outward friendliness. As my closest friends observe, i'm deeply private with my emotions. So when I open up and give you my trust and allow you access to the more thoughtful and personal side rather than the madly happy persona, I do so in trust. Don't exploit and turn that trust against me, to get whatever you want out of me: attention, affection, time etc etc. Yes, i know men and women string each other along. I despise that sort of behaviour because i think it's hurtful and i never want to live like that. That is PRECISELY why i refuse to enter into relationships for its own sake. If after observing and knowing you for some time and I feel that we aren't the right person for each other in terms of personal qualities, life goals and attitudes, I refuse that because i simply don't want either person to get hurt. but in return, i expect the same consideration for another person... not just for me, but for others. 

this is definitely a difficult path. We often ground our identities in how attractive we are to others, physically or otherwise, or how desirable we are. In addition, people do hurt us and string us along. But when will this cycle end? only if we choose NOT to perpetuate it. and that's my choice.

I'd rather be a crazy cat-lady all my life. I don't see having a relationship a marker of my value as a person. 

3. If you have chosen to express your interest in me, and i decline it by hinting or making it clear i just want to be friends, i DO want to be friends. Most of the time, I have always cared for you...as a friend. I do not look at every male friend of mine as a potential partner or sperm donor; most of the time I see you as a person whom I might just want to get to know... as a interesting human being. It also takes me a really long time to be attracted to someone.. and no i'm not talking weeks! i need to see and know you in a variety of contexts before I will even consider dating you. 

so i'm conservative or ridiculous. deal with it. if you can't play ball, find someone else. I have never said or believed that i'm the most attractive person in the entire universe...and if you find someone you like, good for you! i'll always be happy for you. But i do believe in my own self-worth, and that means i won't sell myself short for someone I can't see a future with either out of practical considerations (sorry I don't do star-crossed lovers act), or that I somehow don't see our characters in a situation where we can actually compromise on certain things and make a plausible, realistic and happy future. Do i believe in the idea of someone who's right for me in everyway? eh no. But there ARE some qualities i won't compromise on, and it goes beyond religion or educational status etc.

4. I honestly respect my men friends who accept that i don't want a relationship,and yet stay friends with me. I don't jerk people around, and i would never ever laugh or sneer at you in front of you or behind your back for being attracted to me, because we can't help attraction, but we can choose how we act on it. But it's very hard for me to stay friends when you don't accept my nos, and it makes me want to avoid you.

Am i against relationships? NO! but there are certain non-negotiables, and i do expect certain qualities, because I do see it as a lifelong thing and because i know myself well, what I will find tolerable, what i won't, what I will find livable with after the romantic haze dissipates, what i won't. I'm simply trying to save everyone hurt and pain, so please respect that, and you know, we can stay friends for life! I'm just so tired of having to fend off four men all within one week!

what i don't believe in

All the things that make monogamy a success are, in their nature, un-dramatic things: the silent growth of an instinctive confidence, the common wounds and victories, the accumulation of customs, the rich maturing of old jokes. (p. 191)---Chesterton

i hesitated for some time before putting this up, but i guess i need to spew.

as an academic, i'm pretty openminded. but where me, the person, where i am concerned...pulleeeaze. if you aren't interested in monogamy and lifelong marital arrangements and are open to ah, alternative arrangements, puuuleezzze GO AWAY!

i'm virulently old-fashioned, hey, i probably score on the right wing bible belt conservative. so...

i guess it's the shock of looking around, and realizing that open relationships are everywhere! i don't have a problem with my friends engaging in these things, but if you are looking for a friends with benefits and whatever where I am concerned, GOOOOOO away. i'm not available!

in fact, just to prove how damn right winged i have become, go to...
http://www.bostonvineyard.org/davescolumns/Feb07/

Howdy everyone! i am sorry for not writing for such a long time :) so here's my mug shot in case you all forget how i look like! preen..

i'm well. i just finished a spate of exams, been lazing about and trying to kick my ass about getting some work done. boo hoo.

at the moment, some updates on my happy little life. i went to the cotswolds yesterday. very, very pretty! slightly marred experience because of an idiot of a german guy who thought he was charmingly witty but was just plain rude and obnoxious. what idiots men can be at times, but luckily, an englishwoman rescued me:) but the fields of goldishly yellow flowers rae pretty, aren't they? we even had to cross a tiny bridge that fell in, so i had to grasp some stinging nettles which left my hand. tingling till now.

heh. so what have i been up to so far? well i have done a road trip! whee! for the first time and what fun! i need to learn driving so i can do road trips next time! apart from that, i have been lazing, going for a few concerts== a well-deserved break i think.
:)

Spring has arrived..

Spring has finally dawned... the birds are twittering madly every morning (how irritating when i want to sleep!) and clear skies with longer days are here.

i'll be putting up pictures soon once i finish my blasted essays--yes, yes i was last minute so i'm churning out about 1000 words a day on average nowadays just to make the deadliens, but i'm so glad to be here :)

Oldest's best:

On an msn conversation when i wondered aloud to a friend whether it hurt chickens to lay eggs...

after many speculations on my part (A) as to how it must be like childbirth, or whether it is akin to having really bad constipation, B flooded me with links on how hens lay their eggs.

A says: Oh Gawd, shouldn't have gotten you started!

B: Heh heh heh. but you *were* wondering.

All right little hen, I'm going to bed
A says: (9:50:12 PM)
cluck cluck cluck
A says: (9:50:15 PM)
iwas wondering

A says: (9:50:26 PM)
would u do my essay for me??
B (9:50:35 PM)
pawk pawk pawk
A (9:50:56 PM)
but i *am*
A(9:51:00 PM)
wondering in earnest now...
B (9:51:00 PM)
Your chikkens would have laid their eggs in vain
A: (9:51:59 PM)
RARRR!
B(9:53:26 PM)
Work hard
B (9:53:31 PM)
Make your chikkens proud of you

Oldest's best. it's amazing how, despite the many years when I barely meet up with her, that old friendship built on a mutual nocturnal love of night phone calls, music, when we were young and swinging university students, we still manage to fall into such silly conversations.

I hope we grow old together. (Beams) If you are reading this, blackie, this one's for you!

and now i have to go back to my dratted, decidedly none-hen or egg related essay...

snowing in London

this is what greeted me this morning... yes it snows in April!

crazy isn't it?

it must be global warming, i tell you...it's supposed to be spring, not winter!

the worse hit will be the animals, and my guess would be the poor, fuel costs and all.

still there's something magical about seeing snowflakes...

i didn't see this in December--so its a late christmas for me!

Being thoroughly spoilt

I went home to Singapore for a week: it was a whirlwind of meeting up with family, a few friends, battling my allergies which came back with a vengeance and buying things for London living (i bought braised peanuts...do you have a problem with that?!)

here's me hiding during an unexpected birthday celebration.

Twenty-eight.

how awfully old that feels suddenly, and yet i feel no closer to settling my life.

Time seems to fly by and yet stand still for me--i'm still trying to sort out my life direction whilst my friends are buying apartments, flats, getting married, giving birth.

Yes, i know, at my age, people of my mother's generation were already laden with kids.

Am i worried that I am still almost like a footloose and fancy free barely turned twenty year old?

i guess, sometimes. i don't mean about the getting married bit, i mean the haven't seem to sort out my life direction bit. But then again, i believe that it's much better i take my own route than follow the crowd--in my case---because how much worse if i shortcircuit everything and get myself caught up in what one of my professors term the 'lock-step existence'?

anyway, to those of you who are reading this blog and whom i didnt meet...please don't be offended. i forgot to bring my mobile phone on which i stored all the numbers...

i'll meet up with you the next time i am home!

Marriage proposals...

P: hey! would you like to marry me? Marry me lah, then you can sponsor my academic lifestyle...

L (already endowed with a long-term boyfriend): sorry, you not my type. Food is very important to me too.

gives up, turns to another person...

P: Ay, marry me lah! join teaching, then you can support my ambitions!

A: eh, not my type lah. i'm heterosexual.

P: go for a sex change la. i also heterosexual. but i need someone to fund me!!! go lah!

A: aiyah, no lah. i also want someone to support me...

so depressing. two proposals sent out (admittedly to my girl-friends, so that might not have worked) and twice rejected immediately.

mirror, mirror on the wall...

I am on the market: i need a husband or a wife!

Hello, hello!

Calling for all rich wives/husbands wannabes...

i'm eligible! (flutters eyelids)

Criteria (none negotiable. You can be nice, and wonderful, funny and all that, but you have to be all of that IN ADDITION to the following. Please don't apply if you fail any requirements)

1. Rich AND willing to use the money to sponsor my research and studies. If you are rich but not willing to sponsor my work, sorry, apply elsewhere. Next!

And oh, if you are willing to sponsor my work, but aren't rich, no! I don't want to be guilt-tripped, thank you!

2. willing to be left alone for a long time whilst i do research. I will occasionally pay attention to you, i promise. Maybe five minutes whilst i climb out of the labyrinth of books and papers and notes or when i am not away on long periods of fieldwork?

3. willing to put up with badly cooked food, and sometimes microwavable food. It's just food. Get over it.

4. Hold my hand whilst i agonise over my ideas and research. I will have many moments when i doubt my own work, or the worth of what i am doing---even though i fundamentally believe in it. Please listen to me and reassure me. And oh, if you have a critical eye and a keen intellect, all the better---I want someone who can help me sharpen my ideas.

In exchange:

1. I will make sure our living quarters are livable. clothes will be periodically dumped into the washing machine i promise. Dishes will be washed---i haven't fallen down the scale of academic insanity yet. I can promise some level of cleanliness.

2. You will be hugely fascinated with the intellectual stuff i dig out! I am a fascinating conversationalist! Why do you want a porcelain doll? Pshaw! looks pass...presumably, we will grow old together, and hey, by then, you want an intelligent companion to keep Alzheimer's at bay. Looks won't do the trick, and as much as I love research, I assume I will give it up at some point in time, esp. if you fit the bill! (wink!)

3. I promise i won't have affairs outside: i don't have time lah. Hello, when I don't even have the time to think about speed-dating, or whatever, and i have to resort to putting up ads on my blog---that is really pathetic, i know---do you think I have time to fool around? The only mistress I have will be my research. Honest!

ANY TAKERS?

No?

I suppose not.

Sigh.

Bangs head on the table..., why, why, why can't i aspire to be rich or get married by 30 or something, which all seem to be goals that are more realistic than my present one anyway?!!

As an aspiring male anthropologist i met said to us all.. we all need rich wives, and upon turning to me.. "yes, even YOU!".

Especially me, i think.

Gloomy look.

should i make it my goal to get married instead? seems more attainable than academia.

Blimey.

Meet my old love

I have had a long standing crush on this man for oh, close to a decade now, and here's why.

THIS is exactly why I get mad (shrieks!) and believe in the role of the public intellect, and the importance of academic endeavours. Dammit, there's something rotten in our world, if we can invent pesticides that inflict harm on child half a globe a way (i was watching a tv programme on fairtrade as i was doing my stretching exercises) if we can be so damn arrogant as to include and exclude others based on ideologies and oh, by the way, wipe out their livelihoods (don't believe me? just research a little bit on the wood that adorns your home... its likely to have come from a forest that was once home to pgymies or otherwise).

Defend freedom, defend our beliefs, our lifestyles, our sexual orientations, oh for heavenssake!

I will never be a President

I will never be able to be a President of a country.

I say this with deep sadness, and, not even revulsion, when i read Bush's reflections on his past legacy. The best he offers is that he believes that America remains on moral highground.

Believes. moral highground. how empty these words are, when we justify anything in the name of torture.

I am not downplaying the complexity of dealing with a world--- i won't say gone mad because really, we as a species are incredibly inventive in devising ways of killing ourselves---where young men believe they need to eradicate others and themselves in a one-second bomb bid for glory.

but can't we acknowledge, that perhaps, we never ever know the consequences of our actions, that we, like our forefathers, always visit our 'sins'/problems (whatever you call it) on our children anyway. I say this not in judgement of parents, who are themselves afflicted with the consequences of the actions of their own parents anyway, but to return to Bush agai, to say, his actions will be justified as long as America doesn't pull out her troops is lame to say the least. When you, uh, invade a country and meddle sufficiently such that people are hurt, dying, and angered, it seems to me you have to continue meddling in a continual contest to prove who is stronger.

Freedom? human rights? what are these words but empty banners when we cease to remember the fundamental human-ness of each and every person, yes, even the mad man who is out to take our lives? We do have reason to fear, yes, but it seems to me that the pity, empathy that is over-ridden and forgotten as we go on the offensive and defensive is what keeps us human, and makes life living, if at all.

Look at Bush's face. This has got to be one of the most incredibly closed faces typical of war mongers. the way his lips and chin are defiantly set against the world, drawing himself hunch over to protect his beliefs.

It's funny to think how i have changed in my responses to him. I use to rage evertime i heard him, my blood pressure goes up because i was so angered by his blinkeredness. I still am, but a deep sadness fills me, because this is the way of the world, only those who are incapable of the following: self-doubt, of being fully human in understand the limits of their understanding and being strong enough to cope with "i don't knows" can be presidents.

Bush isn't alone, though.

There are warmongers amongst us all, Muslims, Christians, everyone, because when we solidify something as a universal truth we need to defend (how strange, indeed, when we think we need to defend the God we claim to revere as God, oh the delicious irony), that's when we indeed perpetuate an existence not worth living. How strange, then, that we can fall into a trance where we actually think it's our bounden duty to defend God.

Five Ways to Kill a Man

There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man.
You can make him carry a plank of wood
to the top of a hill and nail him to it.
To do this properly you require a crowd of people
wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak
to dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one
man to hammer the nails home.

Or you can take a length of steel,
shaped and chased in a traditional way,
and attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears.
But for this you need white horses,
English trees, men with bows and arrows,
at least two flags, a prince, and a
castle to hold your banquet in.

Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind
allows, blow gas at him. But then you need
a mile of mud sliced through with ditches,
not to mention black boots, bomb craters,
more mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs
and some round hats made of steel.

In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly
miles above your victim and dispose of him by
pressing one small switch. All you then
require is an ocean to separate you, two
systems of government, a nation’s scientists,
several factories, a psychopath and
land that no-one needs for several years.

These are, as I began, cumbersome ways to kill a man.
Simpler, direct, and much more neat is to see
that he is living somewhere in the middle
of the twentieth century, and leave him there.

Edwin Brock

Autism

What do i care for if you aren't well?

what do i care when a thunderstorm quivers on your brow,

impending signs of a rocking so incessant it's mesmerising,

and in your screaming i hear whispers uttered not by you.

First they said it was a malevolent spirit which i had omitted to exorcise,

then they said it was my utter devotion to my job.

Yet, i hear the muted accusations behind each invisible finger,

you were the product of a mother neglectful, a refrigerator mother, a mother who forgets her firstborn duties

thus i anxiously re-walk a path worn down in search for a cause, a memory of a negligence that cause you such great harm.



i wrote this in reaction to a book i'm reading at the moment which details the history of autism and diagnosis. it denotes the common blame laid at the feet of mothers who were deemed as less attentive to their children's needs--- thereby causing the aforementioned autism). Refrigerator mothers they were called.

It made me angry as i remember someone i know, who had unsolicited and well-meaning advice and diagnoses hurled at her. oh he must have been possessed, and on and on they would insist on a variety of exorcisms, then it became a charge of moral weakness---you aren't firm enough with him, you give in, you are too weak.

Sontag was accurate in her understanding that illnesses were always interwoven with moral universes, and the same rage she feels towards this intertwining is now what moves me.

Sometimes it's shocking the deep harm we cause to others---i grieve for the mothers who must have wondered just exactly what it is they did wrong, and rage on their behalf at those (inevitably!) white male psychiatrists/psychologists and psychoanalysts who forget that the costs of their armchair theorerizing and five-second judgement (you are doing your child harm; you did not show care) was to inflict years of agony and guilt for others.

And in our well-meaningness, sometimes less certitude, less posturing is welcome, since what we really need is more patience, less homespun and carelessly given advice and simply more compassion.

Borough market

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.


i have also received some of the most awesome presents of late...thank you! it's lovely to discover parcels of surprises in my mailbox (keep 'em coming! heh heh heh!)

Chickpeas and pickled tofu

Ahem, ahem, my first attempt at chickpea curry. Isn't it awesome? I have discovered the wonders of chickpeas so as you can see on the left, its chickpea curry and on the right, chickpea with parsley salad.

the left is cooked using chickpeas , black beans and butterbeans (sorry i agah agah so can't tell u the quantity), water, sliced onions and garlic which i fried first with cumin, coriander and other herbs and curry powder, then i simmered with water, again, guesswork, then dumped in the beans, with orange juice, my few days ago oven-roasted butternut squash and spinach.
yum. it has an awesome taste, just teh right consistency.

on the right is my chickpea butterbean salad with parsley, which i learnt from a housemate's jamie oliver's receipe book left lying around...

woohoo! i really had enough of chicken for a few months methinks, so i'lll have to find other means of obtaining protein.

and yes if the question is, have i been doing my readings, er no, but food is more important. methinks i am a fulltime housewife and part-time student.. grin

the reference to pickled tofu is the find i discovered at Chinatown (at last!) of chilli pickled tofu soaked in vinegar. yum yum! now i can have my porridge... whopeee!

I'm in trouble

I like my food too much.

It started out with trying to save money, hence the preparations of every single meal. hello? i'm too broke even to afford the ready to run supermarket meals.

But it's spiralled into an actual love of experimentation with food (which is not good news for my studies, nor for my tummy, which looks six months pregnant!)

I spend my days decadently. Everytime i'm bored in a class, i'll think of experimenting with a different ingredient for the day...F'instance, i played with avocados, chickpeas, pasley etc all in a day. yesterday was fun, i played with tofu, and various tomato puree.

My meals are extremely varied.

I cant' say the same for my readings because um, when you spend your days dreaming up receipes, doing laundry and boring things like that, (and oh, um, sneaking in social activities), it's a bit had to carve out time to actually read, no?

And so, i'm left hugging my butternut squash (a new find i'm going to play for tomorrow!) at the moment, trying to push myself to get some readings done. this, despite leaving school 6 hours ago to the minute, vowing i'll rush home to get work done! (I got distracted by chickpeas...)

I forgot the milk!

Oh ho! now i know what's wrong with my quiche!

As usual, I like to pretend to myself that my memory is infallible.

Being really bored with the rice with stirfry veggies, rice with ginger stirfried chicken, that have been having, i decided i was going to make quiche.

Having successfully made it before at least 3-4 years ago , I thought i'll do it. The first time i tried on Wednesday, i didn't buy enough eggs to cover the silly spinach and mushrooms--which i admit i put way too much mushrooms---and so i ended up with goodness knows what, (tastes wonderful, but hardly passes as quiche) this erm, mushroom and spinach monster that falls apart.

I bagged that and decided to make some rice to serve that as a kind of veggie dish.

Friday, stoning in class, i decided to have another go... it must be the eggs, i grumbled to myself. Cycling furiously to the supermarket---i had an hour to chop, and er bake before i rush off to choir practice---i bought 10 eggs just for this purpose, more spinach, and decided to omit the mushrooms this time.

Genius that i was, trying to finish chopping and stuff it into the oven (my oven has no self-timer alas!) and get it to cook all before 6.45, i chop so hard i squash hard on my thumb whilst looking anxiously at the clock,. said thumb has been bleeding for the past few hours. no matter. 7.15 came and i had barely left my over-generously doused with eggs thing in the oven for 15-20 mins.

No matter, i decided to switch off the oven in the faith that the heat still circulating around the oven will certainly cook the quiche--i had this vague feeling i was doing something wrong.. 10 eggs? 10 eggs? into a small quiche? that sounds cholesterol inducing to me---and left sucking my still bleeding thumb for choir.

Returning home after choir and dripping blood still, i looked at my quiche, tasted it (it wasn't too bad) but it seems... somewhat flatter than most quiche i see and somewhat less creamy.

Giving in, i researched online discovered....i forgot either the milk or cream what have you.

and most receipes don't go for 10 eggs.

bah!

My landlord is so sweet!

My landlord is absolutely a gem!

The old TV which he lent me died within 3 days, and I have been wondering how on earth to tell him... whether he might barf and kick me out or something.

Instead, he simply said, oh I'll replace with another old TV for you. I told him, repeatedly no hurry as I wasn't the sort who desperately needs a TV for my survival.

And he went out a few hours later and came back with a second hand TV. Mind you, i gaped at him, and he laughed and said i shouldn't expect this sort of treatment all the time.

Golly! It's not the TV itself---i never was a big TV watcher anyway, but the gesture i appreciate.

He also made reference to the earlier incident and said E, his partner, has called me an excellent policeman for the house, since i bothered to check the identities of the fish-tank removers. Laughs. looks like i have a new nickname now.
Also, I went sightseeing today on my way from church. i also had a wonderful book sale where novels were going for 2-3 pounds...

Ok, so i'm turning into a shopaholic, but well, I have decided I'm going to let go a bit and spend. London is expensive and first i had to cope with the shock of moving from C to London, b'coz i ended having to pay at least 5k more pounds for schoolfees and let's not even get down to accommodation and transport.

Trying to economise frantically will drive me insane, slowly, so i'm now rubbing my hands in glee over my new novels---aiyah, sian, cannot read anymore academic texts already, i haven't finished my assignments as i proudly proclaim in my previous entries but aiyah!---and my new tops and scarf. at worse i'll try to find a part-time job in june but i'm going to let go and enjoy myself for the next few months at least.

Pictures of London as i went awalking...

Here are some pictures i took along the way as i went awalking. There are more coming up, as I'm going a roaming and awalking now that my woes seem to be over!

Hope springs eternal; tralalala

Isn't it mindbogglig that we have an amazing capacity for optimism and hope?

I felt a grin breaking through from deep within last night...yes, i more or less finished---i don't give a damn about the quality anymore--- two papers, though i still have to tidy and tighten them up and write two more---not that i care, i'm just going to hand in two first and either ask for an extension or something---i had enough of staying indoors! the past few months have been a dreary slog---i didn't save this hard to deal with this crap.

The perils of coming late to a course lah and wasting time on accommodation.

but life promises to offer so much! Rubs hands in glee---I suddenly realise all I have to do is go to school for some days, but also will have time to engage in photography and all my other interests! Gosh, such a short time n London... how do i maximise my time in views of my limited funds?

Tralalala....2008 looks like a promisingly happy year now that the weight of at least 1/2 of my overdue assignments are done..

Like i said, isn't it amazing how we always have this innate capacity for hope that things turn out better?

School is a waste of time

After weeks of staying in ill and trying to write my papers, it is a firm belief school is a waste of time.

Everything I read now makes me feel that i'm wasting my life away. Who cares about the duality between the subject and object? Fwah!

i conclude: i am burnt out, and so, away, i go, to play, soon!

inspired

I met my housemate's mum today in the kitchen. Her mum came down to stay with her and I ran into them both this morning---very nice and friendly people. they laughed and said, oh you have been to yorkshire? yes, it's lots friendlier, not like London.

I'm tremendously inspired. Her mum's doing a PhD now, after teaching English for the past few years, and it amazes me.. because we see so few of people doing things out of the pure passion of it!. It's clear thata PhD isn't going to help in a career, let's be realistic, age, the plethora of Phds in English is obvious, A Phd can only be driven by the sheer love of the subject.

This glimpse into another person's passion is helping to stroke and reignite my own, for I remember, seeing her joy in talking about her PhD, my own drive and passion. I came because I wanted to say something, I wanted to say something real and productive about the world, not merely earn a piece of paper or merely to summarise a grand theorist...which is partly why I've been feeling awfully down and frustrated, because it seems as if the approach taken in the uk unis dept I have attended so far is that to test my summary of a theorist, but not quite to use it, as I'm accustomed to back home.

So i'll finish up those horrible papers, and hopefully move onto something happier soon.